tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33013718131417408832024-03-14T02:50:36.190-05:00Yes, that's my husbandHey, at least you're not married to him...Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger131125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3301371813141740883.post-28022160200086173692012-05-09T23:20:00.001-05:002012-05-09T23:20:32.458-05:00Dust fairiesJared: have you ever noticed that our house never gets dusty? <br />
Me: what do you mean?<br />
Jared: like for some reason I never see dust on anything. Not on the tv or the fan or the bookshelves. Our house doesn't produce dust. <br />
<br />
Can you tell who cleans more often? And to him it's more logical that a house is incapable of producing dust than to think that maybe his wife cleans a lot. Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3301371813141740883.post-65611489254802197442012-05-09T23:14:00.001-05:002012-05-09T23:18:24.615-05:00Some random Mehgan and Jared conversationsOh you can only guess the rest of the conversations. <br />
In this you'll see what stores get Jared going, his attempt at sweetness, and insults that would make any normal wife go to a divorce lawyer. <br />
<br />
Also, Jared is really hoping he was conceived to "the heat of the moment" by Asia. His dad couldn't confirm it but told him it was the song if he wanted it to be. What kid wonders these things? <div class="separator"style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTDF7FHBNqkIolVAQCwsFNrVaVG9NBiN5s9JwjgtHYwWMQqUUxDt7wSrXd9V_0aGbeWH8MuR6fTqOKsviILEfq-R83g_K0eXgNm5HCNuGTM4bUky-vUO41hlrhjBu8Z2ePDyc755X494c/s640/blogger-image--1437202795.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTDF7FHBNqkIolVAQCwsFNrVaVG9NBiN5s9JwjgtHYwWMQqUUxDt7wSrXd9V_0aGbeWH8MuR6fTqOKsviILEfq-R83g_K0eXgNm5HCNuGTM4bUky-vUO41hlrhjBu8Z2ePDyc755X494c/s640/blogger-image--1437202795.jpg" /></a></div><div class="separator"style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgovgbyOoUm6jAU0lbODegQf5CnJfNBCBqDUVNQWK0aG_vRX7QMt2dPGhTirksyxnCghOY_r_MzUE9fHCjzRmjP0iqj6VGJIFdhe1yoCoowX6lDwkPeth-vDnMd1OOPWpHUDp8GvdNNC7k/s640/blogger-image-451695527.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgovgbyOoUm6jAU0lbODegQf5CnJfNBCBqDUVNQWK0aG_vRX7QMt2dPGhTirksyxnCghOY_r_MzUE9fHCjzRmjP0iqj6VGJIFdhe1yoCoowX6lDwkPeth-vDnMd1OOPWpHUDp8GvdNNC7k/s640/blogger-image-451695527.jpg" /></a></div><div class="separator"style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgEEVx3J4Ijyj4NLZsdFKIEgUSfxNS9EEQ51gmkDBKvsGGGZFecryVyxgttgqrprfEum6cEr5nil6K9KJ95VfSD_XLfVFZieqXLtBxlaHWOcbZ53v1WNLgcltcgN0N5rMyUcS4reH0Xrbo/s640/blogger-image-1222596727.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgEEVx3J4Ijyj4NLZsdFKIEgUSfxNS9EEQ51gmkDBKvsGGGZFecryVyxgttgqrprfEum6cEr5nil6K9KJ95VfSD_XLfVFZieqXLtBxlaHWOcbZ53v1WNLgcltcgN0N5rMyUcS4reH0Xrbo/s640/blogger-image-1222596727.jpg" /></a></div><div class="separator"style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi69cRlc_kprEKTTAMuEclxgzNGLzJH6NGa4Syuj_KiuMzwJ4byHxStG6w4PKTr3zJBJyheuaKEUBe9-7jt-AEolXeCrnKFk2jWgob1uIU9D1Oc5Q2Dg5cZmmrPtegwMPvDF7YmycKsJlw/s640/blogger-image--361540836.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi69cRlc_kprEKTTAMuEclxgzNGLzJH6NGa4Syuj_KiuMzwJ4byHxStG6w4PKTr3zJBJyheuaKEUBe9-7jt-AEolXeCrnKFk2jWgob1uIU9D1Oc5Q2Dg5cZmmrPtegwMPvDF7YmycKsJlw/s640/blogger-image--361540836.jpg" /></a></div><div class="separator"style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFW8vJtnOhlTR42EIEeeM-wRSUYLpYWDXFFUp_TEZVaFYgSMSoCiDzk9fL3rzWac483UQNcwH9uJ_r491nMP8nq_WDK0M4oC1-KM-63jDZpZjehtZpLD_lVSyuvVuCiNJGERWJvFyHl3A/s640/blogger-image--2129566598.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFW8vJtnOhlTR42EIEeeM-wRSUYLpYWDXFFUp_TEZVaFYgSMSoCiDzk9fL3rzWac483UQNcwH9uJ_r491nMP8nq_WDK0M4oC1-KM-63jDZpZjehtZpLD_lVSyuvVuCiNJGERWJvFyHl3A/s640/blogger-image--2129566598.jpg" /></a></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3301371813141740883.post-87633099908754270132012-02-06T21:43:00.001-06:002012-02-06T21:43:15.917-06:00No insecurities hereJared (after watching me get undressed): sigh. We both have to do something. We are not the same <br />
Me: do I look bad?<br />
Jared: no but we both have put on too much weight <br />
Me: im not ugly, am I? You still love me right?<br />
Jared: no you're not ugly. You look decent. <br />
Me: decent is code for fat<br />
Jared: no, fat means fat. I said decent. But you do have dimples in your back<br />
Me: oh my god, what??? (runs to mirror)<br />
Jared (laughing): ha I love watching you squirm. <br />
Me: yea well now I'm not gonna be squirming under you any time soon<br />
Jared: you can be on top<br />
Me: I'm not gonna squirm on top of you either<br />
Jared: thats not what you said!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3301371813141740883.post-90026473467364856532012-01-31T18:11:00.001-06:002012-01-31T18:11:06.632-06:00Mehgan clonesJared: if I had known you were gonna be this difficult, I wouldn't have dated you. One day I'm gonna clone you, and imgonna make you live with you for an hour. And you will kill you. <br />
Me: how will you know which one would be left?<br />
Jared: it doesn't matter! It'll be a win-win! You'll be dead, but I'll still have you! Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3301371813141740883.post-14101605748437527612012-01-20T19:56:00.001-06:002012-01-20T19:56:13.173-06:00Chocolate Oreo wafflesJared: if you die, I will make gay marriage legal, just in the off chance I can find the guy who invented this and make him my bride. Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3301371813141740883.post-58429609726989277522011-12-27T22:52:00.001-06:002011-12-27T22:52:29.930-06:00Waisted wastesMe, after throwing sunflower seed shells down a storm drain: don't do that! It's littering!<br />
Jared: no, it's waste. Those are made for waste. Only your waist wouldn't fit down there <br />
Me: what the hell!<br />
Jared: just kidding. It's your hips that's the problem. Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3301371813141740883.post-20829189436410640632011-12-27T22:36:00.001-06:002011-12-27T22:36:19.270-06:00Cotton candy and deathJared: I kinda hope I die in my sleep tonight <br />
Me: why? <br />
Jared: bc if the police take my computer to try to figure out why I died, they'll see the last thing I was looking at was at-home cotton candy machines. They'll be so confused!!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3301371813141740883.post-64009862389251800212011-12-15T23:23:00.001-06:002011-12-15T23:23:28.272-06:00Rosa ParksJared: I love only two things more than you. My grandmother's chicken and dumplings and Rosa Parks. <br />
Me: why Rosa Parks?<br />
Jared: bc if it wasn't for her, Outkast wouldn't have been able to make their best song. Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3301371813141740883.post-39462094436120550352011-12-10T21:01:00.001-06:002011-12-10T21:01:57.728-06:00BrainsJared: why do I have "if I only had a brain" in my head?<br />
Me: bc it's your mantra. <br />
Jared: har har. <br />
Me: I thought it was good<br />
Jared: maybe it should be called "my wife is such a pain". "oh life would be sweeter if I didn't have to beat her. Oh my wife is such a pain" (whistles)Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3301371813141740883.post-66317519587838637452011-12-03T01:20:00.001-06:002011-12-03T01:20:47.386-06:00Sheila the carpet muncherMe: Sheila! Stop licking the carpet!<br />
Jared (in the "Sheila voice"): "but it's good carpet. My compliments to the contractor."<br />
Then...<br />
Jared: I wonder if we can get her Scotch Guard flavored milk bones Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3301371813141740883.post-14173456892163211462011-12-01T22:54:00.001-06:002011-12-01T22:54:01.773-06:00Last wordsAfter watching an episode of "how I met your mother" about someone's last words:<br />
<br />
Jared: I want my last words to you to be epic. Something like "take your time coming home from work. I shit on the carpet and I want to have it clean before you get home. It's disgusting. Here's a pic". <br />
<br />
He would. Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3301371813141740883.post-36183796333274909302011-12-01T22:51:00.001-06:002011-12-01T22:51:59.548-06:00Vampire JaredJared: I've gotta go get some tape to tape the curtain to the wall<br />
Me: oh my god Jared, it won't kill you to have a little light shine in when you sleep. <br />
Jared: it will if I'm a vampire. Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3301371813141740883.post-24980036147784027482011-11-24T01:29:00.001-06:002011-11-24T01:29:39.861-06:00Baby names part 2Jared: I still like the name Finn<br />
Me: it's actually lost its appeal to me. I'm hearing it too much. <br />
Jared: fine, we will name our kid Four Two Eight. <br />
Me: why? <br />
Jared: you ever meet a kid named Four Two Eight? He'll be the only one. Or Queef Breath. Yea, Queef Breath. Or Dinglenuts. Dinglenuts Cash. He'll never be made fun of. He'll be a tough son of a bitch by the time he's 3. <br />
<br />
FYI, we are watching a show where a couple is pregnant. We are NOT expecting. We just have these conversations. Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3301371813141740883.post-11751856903752349652011-11-24T00:27:00.001-06:002011-11-24T00:27:53.487-06:00Name meaningsMe: that's one thing you'll never hear me say. "I named my child xyz. It means 'this'". Bc you're never going to introduce the child for the rest of its life with the name meaning following it. It's stupid. <br />
Jared: "I named my child Bob. It means 'floats in water.'" Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3301371813141740883.post-85853995466544509812011-11-22T16:29:00.001-06:002011-11-22T16:29:50.414-06:00Poop fightingFollowing an argument we had this morning via text:<br />
<br />
Me: I'm sorry I got so mad at you this morning <br />
Jared: it's ok. But you know what really bothered me about it? You were yelling at me through text while I was trying to poop. And it was my morning poop. You know how much I enjoy my morning poop. Please don't make me fight with you while I'm pooping. <br />
Me: ok then. Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3301371813141740883.post-46473120577606059732011-11-19T23:23:00.001-06:002011-11-19T23:35:13.849-06:00An FYI and apology to readersIt's come to my attention that some readers, or at least one reader, has found some of the posts I've made regarding what my husband says as offensive and racist. <br />
<br />
Obviously if I'm posting things that are shared between me and my husband, I'm bound to face some sort of criticism for what is said or even for the simple act of posting it at all. <br />
<br />
However, just because I write an excerpt of a conversation does not mean that's the complete thought we have on the subject. So what's not seen is the constant lecturing my husband faces from me as a result of what has been said. Do I need to post those to show that my husband and I are NOT what some readers may see us as? Possibly, but that's not the point of the blog, which is supposed to be entertaining and comedic at best. <br />
<br />
Yes, my husband is crude and obnoxious and seemingly abusive or racist, but I can tell you thats not at all what he is. The excerpts you see are a snippet of his at times terrible and sick sense of humour. What you're not reading though is my thoughts on a subject or even the fact that he realizes some of te stuff he has said is just downright wrong. Moreover, again, you're not seeing our discussions of why it's wrong in our opinions. And trust me when I say we live in the south and we both come from not the most open-minded background and families (some of those whom we choose to distance ourselves from simply bc of their offensive views) <br />
<br />
In addition, being in the line of work I'm in, I witness stereotyping and racism almost daily on some level and I too am offended by that and make it a point to ignore it where necessary or discuss it if I'm able to with that person. <br />
<br />
In a time where people find celebrities like Daniel Tosh to be entertaining, we should be able to separate joke from sincerity. He is able to make a living off of stereotyping and bashing groups of people and yet his ratings continue to soar. I'll admit my husband and I are a fan of his, but we are fans solely bc we CAN separate humor from sincerity. So we are able to recognize when things are said in jest. Considering, thiugh, that I am a white and straight female and my husband is a white and straight male, we have obviously not faced stereotyping or predjudice that others have and we are therefore not able to relate. But that does not mean that we should be classed in a group of people who are intolerable to others different from ourselves. It's simply not so. <br />
<br />
Therefore, I apologize to that reader or even multiple readers who have become offended. <br />
<br />
The apolgoy is directed at not only various races of people but also people who have gone through domestic abuse, weight issues, abortions, plastic surgery, poverty, or anything else that Jared has talked about that may offend a certain group. I may as well go ahead and say that includes myself, since I often am the butt of my husband's humor. <br />
<br />
So with that, I will say that I will continue to post as I see fit and I will continue to censor certain things that my husband says, as I have done in the past, but will keep an open mind to the fact that my husband, and therefore I, will probably always offend someone in some way. <br />
<br />
But I will ignore any labels or classifications that others decide to bestow upon us because what matters is that I know that my husband and I are good and decent people who share a few laughs together and decide to put it on the Internet. <br />
<br />
Thank you,<br />
MehganUnknownnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3301371813141740883.post-89110089575682003612011-11-19T12:34:00.001-06:002011-11-19T12:34:09.181-06:00Spider websAfter a discussion of how he's always wondering what I'll be pissed about:<br />
<br />
Me: how do you not cower around me?<br />
Jared: because I'm not scared of you. I'm not scared of anything but spider webs <br />
Me: you're scared of spider webs???<br />
Jared: yes. Not what's in the web. Just the webs. You get me in a spider web and I turn into a 3-year-old girl. They're the ickiest things around. Yes, I said icky. Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3301371813141740883.post-79786600172691195942011-11-19T00:29:00.001-06:002011-11-19T00:29:16.073-06:00Coining new termsJared: dick beard. That's the new term for "pubes". And you can call yours "the vag stache"<br />
<br />
My. God. Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3301371813141740883.post-5458886085412732402011-11-17T00:18:00.001-06:002011-11-17T00:18:39.339-06:00Adjectives and fishingMe: are you happy with my body?<br />
Jared: I guess<br />
Me: I'm not too big for you?<br />
Jared: I've done bigger<br />
Me: thanks. I mean, you're happy with my size and how I look<br />
Jared: why are you asking me this?<br />
Me: bc I'm fishing<br />
Jared: don't fish. You already caught me (that's his attempt at being sweet)<br />
Me: I'm fishing for compliments<br />
Jared: every time I grab your butt, that's a compliment<br />
Me: I want words with adjectives<br />
Jared: I like your buttly butt<br />
Me: that's dumb<br />
Jared: you're womanly. I like that. You're not rail thin<br />
Me: voluptuous? <br />
Jared: that's just a nice word for fat<br />
Me: I am fat<br />
Jared: you're not fat. Youre obese<br />
Me: ...<br />
Jared: what? That's an adjective<br />
Me: (moves to kick him with my unshaven leg. He rubs my leg)<br />
Jared: ugh! Ok you're hairy. Hairy is an adjective. Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3301371813141740883.post-77239612222786717342011-11-10T09:57:00.001-06:002011-11-10T09:57:41.620-06:00Q ShapesMe: Why do you keep taking showers before I even get home? What are you hiding?<br />
Jared: Why are you so suspicious? You don't get suspicious when I shave a Q into my ass hairs, but showering makes you suspicious. A Q shape in my ass is suspicious!<br />
<br />
I really had no idea what he was talking about....Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3301371813141740883.post-1671109114732274952011-11-09T16:46:00.002-06:002011-11-09T16:46:38.520-06:00Jared's first pubeJared: I remember the day I first used a power saw. It was a religious experience. I think it was also the day I got my first pube.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3301371813141740883.post-45969628772784042262011-11-07T21:13:00.000-06:002011-11-07T21:13:21.704-06:00Flaws in logic and assMe: Why in the hell would you not take the food out of the pan before you rinsed it? You can't put water over food and just let it sit there. <br />
Jared: I cleaned it up!<br />
Me: Just putting water in it isn't cleaning it up. Do you not see the flaws in your logic here?<br />
Jared: Do you want to talk about flaws in my logic? B/c I can talk about the flaws in your ass!<br />
Me: I'm just saying to take the food out of the pan before rinsing the pan out!<br />
Jared: 847 dimples! And 43 pimples! And I have to look at it! ALL WHILE TRYING TO MAINTAIN AN ERECTION!<br />
<br />
Ouch.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3301371813141740883.post-28476795235432526342011-10-27T20:54:00.000-05:002011-10-27T20:54:11.654-05:00Hot for TeacherMe: When will teachers learn not to have sex with their students?<br />
Jared: I don't know why they tell anyone! If I were still in high school and I was fucking one of my teachers, I wouldn't tell anyone! That'd be my most closely guarded secret. At least till years later, if I found out the statute of limitations was up, I'd start telling everyone. "See that hot teacher? Yeah, I fucked her all through high school!"Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3301371813141740883.post-727364872325392312011-10-27T20:52:00.000-05:002011-10-27T20:52:17.364-05:00Two MehgansMe, licking the cake batter off the beater: God this stuff is so good that I'm wearing it. It's all over my shirt.<br />
Jared: Nice going, fatty. You know, when I said I wanted to be with two women, I didn't want you to be both of them.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3301371813141740883.post-82822090784932718182011-10-21T19:41:00.000-05:002011-10-21T19:41:20.861-05:00Christmas presentsMe: I think we should make Christmas presents this year to save money<br />
Jared: I've got Christmas covered this year. We give everyone fake sonogram pictures and then the next month, we will tell them we had a miscarriage. <br />
Me: (utter disbelief)<br />
Jared: are you in?<br />
Me: you're a terrible person. <br />
Jared: that's not a no.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1