new years quips

drunk jared: all of the racists are in my family. at the wedding, im putting raisins under their chairs.
me: why?
drunk jared: i dont know. it works.

It.

This is a common occurrence in our house.

Jared: Please?
Me: No!
Jared: Just do it with me. You don't have to like it.
Me: I'm sure Elliot Stabler has a word for that.
Jared: No, that's called not giving consent. This is called "marriage".

Jared's Christmas Thoughts

jared, upon seeing a closed tattoo shop on christmas:

"i think all tattoo shops should be open on Christmas. that way i can get liquored up on eggnog and get an advent calendar tattooed across my chest."

No, really, I do think you're pretty. Honest!

Our dog Sheila is a bit of a handful. She's still learning, and sometimes we lose patience with her. But above all, we (I) love her and try to encourage her.

Today is Christmas, and we have no plans to spend it with anyone else. Plus, Jared has been sick (read: a big baby) so we decided not to go anywhere. We did want some breakfast, so we were leaving to go to Waffle House. I was putting Sheila in her cage (since she can no longer be trusted out of it...she ate Christmas last week). Here's the conversation:

Me to Sheila: get in your cage. Good girl, Sheila.
Jared: who are you talking to?
Me: the dog
Jared: but "good" and "Sheila" don't go together. Much like "Mehgan" and "diet".
Me: ....
Jared: what? It's not meant to be an insult!

Then he went on to say how he does think I'm attractive, I don't need to diet, etc.

Foot. Meet mouth.

Honeymoon Abortions.

This comes from a conversation we were having about our upcoming wedding. I was crunching numbers in my head about how much we (mostly I) have spent so far on the wedding.  I've bought a lot of things, such as little things that really don't matter in the grand scheme of our wedding, and he's paid for some, like half of the venue cost, the deposit on our honeymoon, the invitations. The big things, he says. Things that do matter.  But I've probably still taken care of most of it. He said he's paid a good bit of it, and I refuted it. And this is what came about.

Me: You haven't exactly paid much for this wedding so far.
Jared: Fine, I'll pay to abort our honeymoon baby.
Me: .....
Jared: I'm a horrible human being.

 Hey, at least he knows.

Another husband blog...

Much like The Sleep Talking Man, my fiance Jared (who will be my husband in just a few short months) says funny things in his sleep. But sometimes (actually, more like daily) I am graced with the most random-ass sayings and quips and insults that aren't said in his sleep. Some of these things are downright jaw-dropping and offensive, and other times they are aimed at me and make me say "Wow, I'm so lucky!" Purely sarcastically, of course. But for the most part, he makes me laugh like no one else, and he doesn't even try. Because he's just being himself.

When he talks in his sleep, I try to engage him. I try to keep the conversation going to see what he will say. I've never been able to record it so I can have audio proof (but a girl can hope!) but I would always post them on his Facebook wall so he can wake up in the morning and see the results of his beauty rest.

Then it became posts about what he says to me when he isn't sleeping. Some of them I think even the people at Family Guy would find offensive. Those aren't really Facebook friendly (hey, we've got family on there). But for the most part, they are enough to generate comments like "Wow, you should start a blog" because some things he says are really unbelievable.

I have no idea if this will generate even a little bit of traffic, but if I can entertain someone, then I've done my job. So enjoy the crap Jared says. And consider yourself lucky he's not yours.