Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Me: bc it's your mantra.
Jared: har har.
Me: I thought it was good
Jared: maybe it should be called "my wife is such a pain". "oh life would be sweeter if I didn't have to beat her. Oh my wife is such a pain" (whistles)
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Jared: I want my last words to you to be epic. Something like "take your time coming home from work. I shit on the carpet and I want to have it clean before you get home. It's disgusting. Here's a pic".
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Me: it's actually lost its appeal to me. I'm hearing it too much.
Jared: fine, we will name our kid Four Two Eight.
Jared: you ever meet a kid named Four Two Eight? He'll be the only one. Or Queef Breath. Yea, Queef Breath. Or Dinglenuts. Dinglenuts Cash. He'll never be made fun of. He'll be a tough son of a bitch by the time he's 3.
FYI, we are watching a show where a couple is pregnant. We are NOT expecting. We just have these conversations.
Jared: "I named my child Bob. It means 'floats in water.'"
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Me: I'm sorry I got so mad at you this morning
Jared: it's ok. But you know what really bothered me about it? You were yelling at me through text while I was trying to poop. And it was my morning poop. You know how much I enjoy my morning poop. Please don't make me fight with you while I'm pooping.
Me: ok then.
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Obviously if I'm posting things that are shared between me and my husband, I'm bound to face some sort of criticism for what is said or even for the simple act of posting it at all.
However, just because I write an excerpt of a conversation does not mean that's the complete thought we have on the subject. So what's not seen is the constant lecturing my husband faces from me as a result of what has been said. Do I need to post those to show that my husband and I are NOT what some readers may see us as? Possibly, but that's not the point of the blog, which is supposed to be entertaining and comedic at best.
Yes, my husband is crude and obnoxious and seemingly abusive or racist, but I can tell you thats not at all what he is. The excerpts you see are a snippet of his at times terrible and sick sense of humour. What you're not reading though is my thoughts on a subject or even the fact that he realizes some of te stuff he has said is just downright wrong. Moreover, again, you're not seeing our discussions of why it's wrong in our opinions. And trust me when I say we live in the south and we both come from not the most open-minded background and families (some of those whom we choose to distance ourselves from simply bc of their offensive views)
In addition, being in the line of work I'm in, I witness stereotyping and racism almost daily on some level and I too am offended by that and make it a point to ignore it where necessary or discuss it if I'm able to with that person.
In a time where people find celebrities like Daniel Tosh to be entertaining, we should be able to separate joke from sincerity. He is able to make a living off of stereotyping and bashing groups of people and yet his ratings continue to soar. I'll admit my husband and I are a fan of his, but we are fans solely bc we CAN separate humor from sincerity. So we are able to recognize when things are said in jest. Considering, thiugh, that I am a white and straight female and my husband is a white and straight male, we have obviously not faced stereotyping or predjudice that others have and we are therefore not able to relate. But that does not mean that we should be classed in a group of people who are intolerable to others different from ourselves. It's simply not so.
Therefore, I apologize to that reader or even multiple readers who have become offended.
The apolgoy is directed at not only various races of people but also people who have gone through domestic abuse, weight issues, abortions, plastic surgery, poverty, or anything else that Jared has talked about that may offend a certain group. I may as well go ahead and say that includes myself, since I often am the butt of my husband's humor.
So with that, I will say that I will continue to post as I see fit and I will continue to censor certain things that my husband says, as I have done in the past, but will keep an open mind to the fact that my husband, and therefore I, will probably always offend someone in some way.
But I will ignore any labels or classifications that others decide to bestow upon us because what matters is that I know that my husband and I are good and decent people who share a few laughs together and decide to put it on the Internet.
Me: how do you not cower around me?
Jared: because I'm not scared of you. I'm not scared of anything but spider webs
Me: you're scared of spider webs???
Jared: yes. Not what's in the web. Just the webs. You get me in a spider web and I turn into a 3-year-old girl. They're the ickiest things around. Yes, I said icky.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Jared: I guess
Me: I'm not too big for you?
Jared: I've done bigger
Me: thanks. I mean, you're happy with my size and how I look
Jared: why are you asking me this?
Me: bc I'm fishing
Jared: don't fish. You already caught me (that's his attempt at being sweet)
Me: I'm fishing for compliments
Jared: every time I grab your butt, that's a compliment
Me: I want words with adjectives
Jared: I like your buttly butt
Me: that's dumb
Jared: you're womanly. I like that. You're not rail thin
Jared: that's just a nice word for fat
Me: I am fat
Jared: you're not fat. Youre obese
Jared: what? That's an adjective
Me: (moves to kick him with my unshaven leg. He rubs my leg)
Jared: ugh! Ok you're hairy. Hairy is an adjective.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Jared: Why are you so suspicious? You don't get suspicious when I shave a Q into my ass hairs, but showering makes you suspicious. A Q shape in my ass is suspicious!
I really had no idea what he was talking about....
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Monday, November 7, 2011
Jared: I cleaned it up!
Me: Just putting water in it isn't cleaning it up. Do you not see the flaws in your logic here?
Jared: Do you want to talk about flaws in my logic? B/c I can talk about the flaws in your ass!
Me: I'm just saying to take the food out of the pan before rinsing the pan out!
Jared: 847 dimples! And 43 pimples! And I have to look at it! ALL WHILE TRYING TO MAINTAIN AN ERECTION!
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Jared: I don't know why they tell anyone! If I were still in high school and I was fucking one of my teachers, I wouldn't tell anyone! That'd be my most closely guarded secret. At least till years later, if I found out the statute of limitations was up, I'd start telling everyone. "See that hot teacher? Yeah, I fucked her all through high school!"
Friday, October 21, 2011
Jared: I've got Christmas covered this year. We give everyone fake sonogram pictures and then the next month, we will tell them we had a miscarriage.
Me: (utter disbelief)
Jared: are you in?
Me: you're a terrible person.
Jared: that's not a no.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
(Pulls up to the proper spot)
Chick-Fil-A girl: Hi, order when you're ready.
Jared: Hi, I'll take a smarter wife with a side order of rich please.
Jared, on another game: I can spell "youth" if I had somewhere to put it.
Me: It'll just take you 6 days to put it somewhere though.
Jared: Much like you with my penis?
Then, 1 minute later:
Jared: You missed me, didn't you?
Me: Go back to Louisiana.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Me: I just tell people we're leaving it up to God.
Jared: I don't know, that guy can be kind of a prick. Not sure about babies? Here are some triplets! All girls!! All lesbians!
Me: At least we wouldn't have to pay for any weddings.
Jared: Yea but with our luck, we'd have one bull-dyke, one tomboy, and one lipstick lesbian. Money's going somewhere.
Friday, October 7, 2011
Jared: I can't wait to meet the guy whose virginity you took.
Me: oh he's not coming
Jared: like he didn't in high school. Ooh!
Me: no unlike some people he didn't have that problem.
Jared: you probably didn't know what you were doing then either though.
And the night has just started.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Jared: I heard you yell out. I thought you fell or something.
Me: Well thanks for coming to my rescue!
Jared: Oh you were cussing so I knew you were ok. All i could think of though was "Keep watching the show. Don't laugh. She can't hear you talk from up there but she will sure as shit hear you snicker."
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Jared: yes we do. We have stuff that matters in common
Me: like what?
Jared: (ridiculously loud ass-blowing fart)
Me: (annoyed and disgusted look)
Jared: you don't find farts funny? I thought we'd have that in common at least.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Jared: you're gonna have a lot of explaining to do at your next job.
Me: why's that?
Jared: you're gonna have to explain some stuff to the people in charge.
Me: what will I have to explain?
Jared: you're gonna have to explain to them why you turned into a giant pile of goop.
Me: why'd I turn into goop?
Jared: I don't know but you'll have to explain why you're a pile of goop.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
While watching the show "Numb3rs":
Jared, after undressing: Do you mind if I pause it?
Jared: Because I'm gonna jerk off right here in the hamper and I don't want Charlie to see. His Jew-fro just does nothing for me. What the fuck do you think I'm gonna do? I'm gonna go shower!
Then he called Sheila a perv for sniffing his ass and told her she was too young for that.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Me: what the hell???
Jared: that's what all this is about
Me: it's impossible for me to have low self-esteem anyway.
Jared: that's why we have to have a kid. We have to wreck your beautiful body in order for it to happen.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Jared: So we need 16 couples?
Me: ....? No, we need 8 couples.
Jared: Oh crap. That makes sense. Sorry, I was doing Mehgan Math.
I couldn't argue with him there.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Jared: Naw baby, fat with a P. I aint gonna cut cha down when I'm trying to get all up in dem guts tonight.
I had to remind him the proper wording is "fat with a PH". But still, this is how he hits on me now.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Me: because I've learned you'll put them up if I throw them on the floor.
Jared: and I've learned that if I hit you, you'll cook better dinners. There. We're both learning things.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
"I think I just declared war on a whale."
"I created the alphabet and want to trade it with someone for their mathematics. They said that wasn't enough. Yeah, good luck trying to do complex math without that X."
"Napolean Bonaparte is declaring war against me? Bring it on, you fucking midget."
"Is it sad that Ghengis Khan is my only ally?"
"How the fuck did someone else create Christianity? I'm not even finished creating Judaism just yet!! I guess Jesus really wasn't a Jew."
Such is the life of the wife of a gamer.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
|(you can clicky the picture to make it bigger)|
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Jared: I had a dream last night that we went out to eat and you told the waitress "we don't have a lot of money but we have a better tip for you" and then you started making out with her at the table.
Me: what's with these dreams you have where I'm a lesbian?
Jared: what's with these dreams I have where I don't do anything about it?
Friday, August 5, 2011
This is a video from the Golden Girls episode where Rose and Dorothy made up a song about Miami for a contest. Jared, however, didn't agree with them. So he changed it up for them a bit.
Jared: Miami. Miami, you lack style. Murders and drug deals, lost weaves by the mile.
Me: why Marina?
Jared: because the hotel I stayed at this week was on Marina Mile Road. We can't very well name her Ramada.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Jared: I have 6 pillows on this bed
Me: you can use all of them.
Jared: I'm gonna put 75% of the covers on 2 of them and yell at them for farting and throw one all over the place telling it to calm down
He misses us, I promise.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
"I can use one bed for sleeping and one bed for jerking off."
Good thing he ended up getting a room with one big bed. Still, those poor maids.
Jared: here, let me cut those strings off. It's like kindling for a chub rub fire.
Me: what an asshole you are!
Jared: not the nicest thing to say to a guy with scissors by your crotch.
My husband, always concerned with being nice.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Jared: Now I know what I'm gonna get you for your birthday in 2 years. When you turn 31, I'm gonna say that "hey, you know what 31 pairs with? That's right."
Me: And you're gonna make me 69 for the entire year I'm 31?
Jared: No, actually I was gonna just say that night only but i like the way you think. And then when I turn 31, oh yeah!
These are birthday presents to look forward to, according to my husband.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Me: You're a homo.
Then the other day:
Jared: I had a dream last night where one of my exes came to the house to sell you some Mary Kay, and you decided to kill her and hide her body. And you nonchalantly brought it up over dinner like it was no big deal.
Yep, bitches better step.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Fyi, dear readers, this was said in the kitchen while unloading groceries. It was not said in the context you may be thinking.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Me: Looking at myself in the mirror.
Me: What? Wouldn't you rather have a wife who likes the way she looks?
Jared: No, I want a wife with no self-confidence who I can berate.
That wasn't said with sarcasm, either.
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Jared: You're a verb. As in "I'll Mehgan the shit out of you."
Me: What's the definition?
Jared: Making someone eat a lot of cake.
Me: Why is my name the verb for that?
Jared: Because you make people eat lots of cake. Or better yet, "Mehgan: to force someone to eat something that they don't want." You do that a lot.
Friday, July 15, 2011
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Jared: I always dated girls my height or taller. My record was 6'2" [jared is 5'4"].
Me: how'd that work out?
Jared: it was fun. It was like climbing a jungle gym
Me: what the hell did she see in you?
Jared: I'm the funny guy. Most girls want a funny guy. They just dont want him for long. I was ok with that. I didn't need them for long either. But I was easy to get rid of. Unlike hemrhoids, you can't just rub a cream on me and I'll go away.
Jared: how many girls say they want a funny guy? They all say "I'm looking for a guy who's cute, funny and smart". I'm not handsome...I'm cute. But I'm funny first.
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Jared: so you've got the Tea Party Movement, and now you've got the Coffee Movement. I'm starting a new movement: the Bowel Movement. Because they're all full of shit. That's my political affiliation now.
Then, to Sheila:
Jared: would you be our mascot, Sheila? You like poop. (In the "Sheila voice") "I like poop!"
Friday, July 8, 2011
Jared: I'm gonna start playing connect the dots with your acne. There. Now you feel self-conscious about it. Just like I feel self-conscious now about my ass fro. Oh I like that term. Ass fro. And I just made it up!
Monday, July 4, 2011
Jared: (responds by grabbing my boob)
Me: No, I want words. Words. Compliments!
Jared: Ok, you want words? I gotta word for you. It's called "motorboat" (begins to motorboat me). There. I told you some words, then I turned it into a verb. Words.
A minute later...
Jared: I didn't even get a boner from that. Man, I'm doing great!
Sunday, July 3, 2011
When I asked Jared why, if he had so much potential, he isn't one of those things, he gave this answer:
"I discovered pussy when I was 19. If I had been gay, I'd be rich by now."
This is why, dear readers, I am not married to someone rich and talented. Instead, I'm married to a horny guy.
Jared: Last night I dreamed that we were having sex in your sister's living room, and she came out and saw us, and was in her bathrobe and had a pen and paper and was critiquing our moves. And then I just decided to ignore her and keep going.
We may not be the best house guests, if this were to be true.
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Monday, June 27, 2011
I'm watching the end scene of Dirty Dancing and Jared is singing the "time of my life" song to our dog Sheila and trying to get her to dance. I tried getting it on video but he'd already stopped. I still tried recording and this happened:
Jared: What? You think it's gonna happen again? I only know the first verse.
Me: why do you know the song at all?
Jared: it used to be my ringtone.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Jared: last night I dreamed we were having sex. Like really really good sex. And Adam called. I ignored it but he kept calling and calling. I finally answered and he said "dude, I know you're having sex right now, but I just wanted to say you're doing a good job."
The sad thing is, this could actually happen. Jared and Adam are like that.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Jared: I had a dream last night that you needed to poop so badly that you made me leave the house and then check in on Facebook wherever I was to prove I was far enough away from the house and then you pooped and got stuck on the toilet and I had to come rescue you. But then you got mad that it took me so long to get home. That was actually a pretty plausible dream. Like that could happen. I don't wanna dream stuff that could be real one day. I wanna dream stuff like Sheila becomes Senator or something.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Our text conversation:
Jared: it started raining and Sheila tried to run under my truck when it started instead of coming inside.
Me: she's losing her street smarts.
Jared: Sheila never had street smarts. Maybe she can take coming in out of the rain back to St. Olaf one day
Me: I love you bc you quoted Golden Girls to me
Jared: it turned you on, didn't it, weirdo?
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Me: I don't even know what Kenny Chesney sounds like.
Jared: he sounds like balls in the back of a man's throat.
Me: how do you know what that sounds like?
Jared: because I've had my balls in the back of a man's throat. Didn't know it was a dude till the skirt came off. Still the best blow job I've ever had.
As I typed this, he pointed out how "ripped" a guy in our neighborhood is. He didn't want me to post this. Can you blame him?
Friday, June 3, 2011
Me: You don't have to track me down. I just fell asleep. That's why I didn't write back.
Jared: but you've said you don't feel safe in that house. You could've been dead. And one day you will be dead and you're gonna wish I had called.
Me: why? Because I'll be able to answer?
Jared: no because I'll be able to get home faster and track the guy down and blow his brains out. Plus the faster I get home, the better chance I'll have of your body still being warm. Then I can do that other thing. "No, officer, she wasn't raped. It would've been consensual. Calm down, Stabler."
Jared: Unless I'm gonna get out of here in 30 minutes, the movie aint gonna happen, much like your Vera Bradley luggage.
Is it bad that I still dream about the luggage?
Sorry yall. This is all I've got for now. Clearly not our best.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Jared: if I were an abusive husband, id beat Sheila to show you what could happen to you. Oh, Mehgan burned dinner again? Time to cut off Sheila's tail. Oh wait, for her to be able to burn dinner, she has to cook. (From the other room now:) do I have to come to the other room to see the dirty look you're giving me?
Yes. Yes he had to.
Friday, May 13, 2011
Thursday, May 12, 2011
We're watching the movie "Troy" and Orlando Bloom says "till the day they burn my body, I will love you" or something. Jared decided to add his own script to that conversation.
Jared: till the day they burn my body, I'll love you. But just till I get one burn. If I even so much get a burn from taking a falafel out of the oven, you're gone, bitch.
Jared: lets name our son Agamemnon Priam. "I may be 10 but I'm old and crotchety"
Between our crotchedy son Agamemnon and our whore daughter Amelia Bedelia, we'll prove to be great parents.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Sunday, May 8, 2011
jared: we'll name her amelia bedelia cash. so she'll be ABC and in college, she'll be strung out on drugs and resort to prostitution and her pimp will call her The Alphabet Ho and that's how she'll pay for college
me:we're not gonna pay for her college?
jared: no we will but she's gonna use it all for drugs
im glad he has such high hopes for our future possible daughter
Saturday, April 30, 2011
me: girls cant even ride in elevators with boys
jason: aerosmith ruined that for everyone
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Jared: Why do they need a safe house? I thought that's what discos were for
Me: No one calls them discos anymore. That wasn't a good one.
Jared: Ok, give me a minute.
(a minute later)
Jared: Why do they need safe houses? I thought that's what Pottery Barns are for.
Me: No, that just makes me think of the episode of Friends where Rachel is obsessed with Pottery Barn. Try again.
Jared: Ok, hold on.
(a minute later)
Jared: Why do they need safe houses? I thought that's what Bedazzlers were for
Me: Ok, I'll give you that one.
It's not a safe house, but he tried.
Friday, April 15, 2011
me: thats not really me
jared: no, with you id have to have a dick made from a Chipotle burrito and that ejaculates free spay and neuter coupons
at least he knows me well.
Me: I haven't had innocence since I was 14.
Jared: Ok, fine. Your idiocy.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Jared: You know the only thing I think I won't like with this ring? Jerking off. It's gonna get in the way. It's gonna feel weird with a ring touching my dick.
Me: Go get me the computer so I can update the blog, please.
I'm a lucky bride.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Monday, March 21, 2011
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
This was actually a text conversation we had, but we basically sent the first two texts at the same time (we're such soul mates like that). And I had just taken a pregnancy test. Because, well, sometimes I worry.
Me: I'm not pregnant
Jared: I'm getting a bonus on my next check.
Jared: And now I don't have to spend it on an abortion!
|Look at that chest hair encased in that moob! Rawr!|
Me, just after singing along terribly: Oh Barry White! Rest in peace.
Jared: You killed him. He knew you were gonna sing his song one day and it killed him.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
This is an oldie but a goodie. Most of the time that Jared talks in his sleep, his eyes are open and he appears as though he's awake because he's talking quite well and, well, he's looking dead at me. So sometimes i don't realize that he's actually talking in his sleep.
Jared, opening his eyes at my entrance to the bedroom: I'm trying to figure out who you are
Me: who else would it be?
Jared: 15 hotties
Me: anyone in particular?
Jared: 15 lookalikes
.Me: what would you do if there were 15 people who looked like me?
Jared: I'd do them
Me: where would you start?
Jared: I'd do them alphabetically starting in the middle. I'd start with the N's and would work my way back to the A's.
Well at least I know he wants me and only me!
Also shown by this sleep-talking conversation:
Jared: go away. You're too hot.
Jared: hot as in sexy. Too sexy. I might attack you. Too sexy.
Me: how am I too sexy?
Jared: standing by that red bull display. Too sexy. Sexy.
Redbull not only gives people wings, but it also gives them extreme sexiness.
Jared: there are too many dirt bikes in this store
me: one can never have enough dirt bikes.
Jared: who asked you?
me: how many are there?
Jared: like 12. Me: I need one. Mine are broken
Jared: that's bc you're a goddamn moe-ron
Me: I think I'm quite smart
Jared: nobody asked you
me: so can I borrow one?
me: why not?
Jared: bc you're a goddamn moe-ron
And then he put his hand on my boob and left it there.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Jared: Now I know where I'm going with all of these ones.
Me: Yeah, i felt like your ex-girlfriend when I realized how many I had.
Jared: Yeah and in two years, you'll feel like my ex-wife.
I'll be his first wife. This one backfired on me.
Jared: It may have been that string she was chewing on. Give her a big scoop of peanut butter and if it is something stuck in her throat, the peanut butter will catch it and she'll swallow it. Then give her some milk so it will dissolve.
Me: Ok, I'll try it.
Jared: I'm like the MacGuyver of veterinary medicine.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
me: and im still very anti blow job.
jared: i thought you were more middle of the road?
me: blow jobs arent politics.
jared: it is if you want to be re-elected as wife.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Me: I've always thought that every person in the world had even a little artistic ability, some sort of little talent. But I've found that I have none whatsoever.
Jared: Maybe you can fart music.
Me: I've never considered it.
Jared: Maybe you can fart pitch-perfect showtunes.
Me: I've never tried it.
Jared: Maybe you should look into it.
Pending. Or not. Girls don't fart.
Friday, March 4, 2011
|That's her typical destruction in the background|
Our dog Sheila is special, and not the kind you brag about to your friends. Jared seems to think there's something mentally wrong with her, which I don't disagree with. In fact, this is what he has to say about it:
"I'm not saying Sheila is bipolar, but if she had poles, there'd be two of them."
Friday, February 25, 2011
Jared: I'd love for you to get a Caliber. A white one, like my Dakota
Me: I don't like Calibers though
Jared: Yeah, but Calibers are the car versions of the Dakotas. We could have them side by side in the yard and we woudl love them.
Jared: I'm gay for cars
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Today, I decided to go bra shopping, despite it still being freezing out (40 degrees? Come on, Florida!) and my being sick (to the point where I was crying this morning for no reason at all other than the fact that my throat hurt). But to get out of the house, we decided to run some errands. Bra shopping it was!
On the escalator up, Jared was trying to come up with "modern" names for bras.
My favorite? The Nipple Concealing Device 47 (where the 47 comes from, I don't know. He didn't either, when I asked).
But here's a conversation he had with himself, acting out the part of the bra-selling lady and himself:
Jared (as Jared): Excuse me, maam, do you have the NCD47?
Jared (as Sales Lady): The what?
JaJ: The Nipple Concealing Device 47. Come on, woman, we don't have all day.
JaSL: I'm sorry, sir, I don't know what you're talking about.
JaJ: Fine, let me talk to your supervisor.
JaSL: Ok, she'll be right out.
JaJ: No, I said supervisor. That would be a man. Women aren't superior!
Jared, as a sidenote, as "sales lady" walks away: I'm changing the modern vernacular of brassiers. I just jumped bras up a hundred years!
I'm proud to say I bought a black and red NCD47 for $6. Without the help of a scared saleslady.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Jared: That's right. Dominated. With one arm. And it's not even my strong arm! I jerk off with my left hand! HAHAHAHA (<--that woudl be an evil laugh).
Then, later on, while talking to Sheila:
Jared: I've had shits with bigger IQs than you, Sheila. Recently.
As I type this, he's in the bedroom calling for her, and saying "Hey dummy!" to see if she'll answer.
Oh, my family. This is my family.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Jared is a sleep talker. And he is very vocal when he gets started. I like to engage him, mostly to see what sorts of gems will come about. This was a couple months ago but I just stumbled upon it on his Facebook wall, where I usually post them so he and the rest of his friends list will know what I get to live with. So enjoy this one.
Jared: I gotta check the ticket stubs.
Me: for what?
Me: are we going to Woodstock?
.Me: who's playing?
Jared: Steve carrell.
Me: he plays music now?
Me: do you like his music?
Jared: baby I'm just fucking with you.
Jared: (loud fart). That's why.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Friday, January 21, 2011
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Jared, pausing Law and Order SVU on Mariska Hargitay's credit: Whoa! She has a low-cut shirt on here!
Me: Did you really just pause to check out Olivia Benson's cleavage? How old are you?
Jared: I am horny-six years old.
Monday, January 17, 2011
God I can't wait to marry this man.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Don't you just love being a childfree adult? I do.
Jared: "My name is Jared. I'm 26 years old. And I'm having a dinner of mini-corn dogs and tater tots and orange soda. Because I can. Because I'm a fucking adult. And they're going to be fucking delicious."
I'll never get the smell of tater tots out of my house.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
apparently thats all takes to create a new life. a penis pump and a little persuasion.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Jared makes jokes about end-of-the-world movies with me all the time. "Hey, can we watch Armageddon? I feel the need for a release." Jerk. I told him he's not allowed to make those jokes for 6 weeks because I was tired of the frequency of them. So he complied.
He's sitting here watching movie trailers and he saw an EOTW movie. He said "Oh, an end of hte world movie! Wait, no, I can't make the joke. Nevermind. Maybe I should write it down. 'Dear Mehgan, open in six weeks.' I'll just put it in my death folder so that when I die, you can have copies of all the jokes I wanted to make about end of the world movies while I was alive but couldn't.'"
IM SO LUCKY.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
What do I mean? Read on.
One night, after we'd been dating just a couple months, he was sleeping at my house. He sleep talks quite often, but I didn't know that yet. Well, I was up late one night reading, and he rolled over, slapped my ass as hard as he could, and then this happened:
Jared: I love you, big pig. I was immediately appalled and thought "Does he really think I'm a fat ass?" And then my brain went to "Wow, he loves me???" I asked him about it the next day and he doesn't, and still doesn't to this day, remember. But the nickname stuck and I love it so much.
Jared: I love you, big big.
Me: are you even awake?
Jared: yea! See? *loud fart*
It may seem like he's verbally abusive, just from what I've posted about him so far, but honestly, he's so ri-fricken-diculously in love with me that it's crazy sometimes. So yeah, he's not mean. Just goofy. And I don't mind. :)
I don't know where the influx of fat jokes he's made lately have come from, but I finally told him to stop. They may make good blog entries and funny stories, but they make him look bad.