Monday, June 27, 2011

Dirty Dancing

I'm watching the end scene of Dirty Dancing and Jared is singing the "time of my life" song to our dog Sheila and trying to get her to dance. I tried getting it on video but he'd already stopped. I still tried recording and this happened:

Jared: What? You think it's gonna happen again? I only know the first verse.

Me: why do you know the song at all?

Jared: it used to be my ringtone.


Saturday, June 25, 2011

Jared's BFF

Jared: last night I dreamed we were having sex. Like really really good sex. And Adam called. I ignored it but he kept calling and calling. I finally answered and he said "dude, I know you're having sex right now, but I just wanted to say you're doing a good job."
The sad thing is, this could actually happen. Jared and Adam are like that.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

My favorite thing

Me: oh my God, I love cilantro so much
Jared: why don't you marry it?
Me: I will
Jared: I hope you do divorce me to marry cilantro. Id get so much ass that way. It'd be my pick up line.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

A wing and a prayer

Me: what are we getting your dad for father's day?
Jared: a wing and a prayer. We'll go to Wing Zone and then get him a copy of "Footprints".


Crap dreams

Jared: I had a dream last night that you needed to poop so badly that you made me leave the house and then check in on Facebook wherever I was to prove I was far enough away from the house and then you pooped and got stuck on the toilet and I had to come rescue you. But then you got mad that it took me so long to get home. That was actually a pretty plausible dream. Like that could happen.  I don't wanna dream stuff that could be real one day. I wanna dream stuff like Sheila becomes Senator or something.

Monday, June 13, 2011

The in thing to do

Our text conversation:
Jared: it started raining and Sheila tried to run under my truck when it started instead of coming inside.
Me: she's losing her street smarts.
Jared: Sheila never had street smarts. Maybe she can take coming in out of the rain back to St. Olaf one day
Me: I love you bc you quoted Golden Girls to me
Jared: it turned you on, didn't it, weirdo? 

Skydiving daredevils

Jared: I had a dream last night that we had sex while skydiving and you got pregnant from it. You named our son Jump but you'd never tell him why...

Saturday, June 4, 2011

His name was Reba

Me: I don't even know what Kenny Chesney sounds like.
Jared: he sounds like balls in the back of a man's throat.
Me: how do you know what that sounds like?
Jared: because I've had my balls in the back of a man's throat. Didn't know it was a dude till the skirt came off. Still the best blow job I've ever had.
As I typed this, he pointed out how "ripped" a guy in our neighborhood is. He didn't want me to post this. Can you blame him?

Friday, June 3, 2011

It's not just frowned upon?

Jared: its kind of nice having sex with someone who has my last name without it being frowned upon.

That "other thing"

Me: You don't have to track me down. I just fell asleep. That's why I didn't write back.
Jared: but you've said you don't feel safe in that house. You could've been dead. And one day you will be dead and you're gonna wish I had called.
Me: why? Because I'll be able to answer?
Jared: no because I'll be able to get home faster and track the guy down and blow his brains out. Plus the faster I get home, the better chance I'll have of your body still being warm. Then I can do that other thing. "No, officer, she wasn't raped. It would've been consensual. Calm down, Stabler."

Much like Vera...

Sorry for the long time between posts, loyal readers. My husband works the graveyard shift and we are completely opposite schedules. Most of the conversations we have now are about the dog and bills and such, so not really a lot of entertaining stuff. But he did text me this gem, when trying to make plans about what we'll do tonight since he'll be getting off work early (though the time is TBD).

Jared: Unless I'm gonna get out of here in 30 minutes, the movie aint gonna happen, much like your Vera Bradley luggage.

Is it bad that I still dream about the luggage?

Sorry yall. This is all I've got for now. Clearly not our best.