Thursday, November 24, 2011

Baby names part 2

Jared: I still like the name Finn
Me: it's actually lost its appeal to me. I'm hearing it too much.
Jared: fine, we will name our kid Four Two Eight.
Me: why?
Jared: you ever meet a kid named Four Two Eight? He'll be the only one. Or Queef Breath. Yea, Queef Breath. Or Dinglenuts. Dinglenuts Cash. He'll never be made fun of. He'll be a tough son of a bitch by the time he's 3.

FYI, we are watching a show where a couple is pregnant. We are NOT expecting. We just have these conversations.

Name meanings

Me: that's one thing you'll never hear me say. "I named my child xyz. It means 'this'". Bc you're never going to introduce the child for the rest of its life with the name meaning following it. It's stupid.
Jared: "I named my child Bob. It means 'floats in water.'"

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Poop fighting

Following an argument we had this morning via text:

Me: I'm sorry I got so mad at you this morning
Jared: it's ok. But you know what really bothered me about it? You were yelling at me through text while I was trying to poop. And it was my morning poop. You know how much I enjoy my morning poop. Please don't make me fight with you while I'm pooping.
Me: ok then.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

An FYI and apology to readers

It's come to my attention that some readers, or at least one reader, has found some of the posts I've made regarding what my husband says as offensive and racist.

Obviously if I'm posting things that are shared between me and my husband, I'm bound to face some sort of criticism for what is said or even for the simple act of posting it at all.

However, just because I write an excerpt of a conversation does not mean that's the complete thought we have on the subject. So what's not seen is the constant lecturing my husband faces from me as a result of what has been said. Do I need to post those to show that my husband and I are NOT what some readers may see us as? Possibly, but that's not the point of the blog, which is supposed to be entertaining and comedic at best.

Yes, my husband is crude and obnoxious and seemingly abusive or racist, but I can tell you thats not at all what he is. The excerpts you see are a snippet of his at times terrible and sick sense of humour. What you're not reading though is my thoughts on a subject or even the fact that he realizes some of te stuff he has said is just downright wrong. Moreover, again, you're not seeing our discussions of why it's wrong in our opinions. And trust me when I say we live in the south and we both come from not the most open-minded background and families (some of those whom we choose to distance ourselves from simply bc of their offensive views)

In addition, being in the line of work I'm in, I witness stereotyping and racism almost daily on some level and I too am offended by that and make it a point to ignore it where necessary or discuss it if I'm able to with that person.

In a time where people find celebrities like Daniel Tosh to be entertaining, we should be able to separate joke from sincerity. He is able to make a living off of stereotyping and bashing groups of people and yet his ratings continue to soar. I'll admit my husband and I are a fan of his, but we are fans solely bc we CAN separate humor from sincerity. So we are able to recognize when things are said in jest. Considering, thiugh, that I am a white and straight female and my husband is a white and straight male, we have obviously not faced stereotyping or predjudice that others have and we are therefore not able to relate. But that does not mean that we should be classed in a group of people who are intolerable to others different from ourselves. It's simply not so.

Therefore, I apologize to that reader or even multiple readers who have become offended.

The apolgoy is directed at not only various races of people but also people who have gone through domestic abuse, weight issues, abortions, plastic surgery, poverty, or anything else that Jared has talked about that may offend a certain group. I may as well go ahead and say that includes myself, since I often am the butt of my husband's humor.

So with that, I will say that I will continue to post as I see fit and I will continue to censor certain things that my husband says, as I have done in the past, but will keep an open mind to the fact that my husband, and therefore I, will probably always offend someone in some way.

But I will ignore any labels or classifications that others decide to bestow upon us because what matters is that I know that my husband and I are good and decent people who share a few laughs together and decide to put it on the Internet.

Thank you,

Spider webs

After a discussion of how he's always wondering what I'll be pissed about:

Me: how do you not cower around me?
Jared: because I'm not scared of you. I'm not scared of anything but spider webs
Me: you're scared of spider webs???
Jared: yes. Not what's in the web. Just the webs. You get me in a spider web and I turn into a 3-year-old girl. They're the ickiest things around. Yes, I said icky.

Coining new terms

Jared: dick beard. That's the new term for "pubes". And you can call yours "the vag stache"

My. God.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Adjectives and fishing

Me: are you happy with my body?
Jared: I guess
Me: I'm not too big for you?
Jared: I've done bigger
Me: thanks. I mean, you're happy with my size and how I look
Jared: why are you asking me this?
Me: bc I'm fishing
Jared: don't fish. You already caught me (that's his attempt at being sweet)
Me: I'm fishing for compliments
Jared: every time I grab your butt, that's a compliment
Me: I want words with adjectives
Jared: I like your buttly butt
Me: that's dumb
Jared: you're womanly. I like that. You're not rail thin
Me: voluptuous?
Jared: that's just a nice word for fat
Me: I am fat
Jared: you're not fat. Youre obese
Me: ...
Jared: what? That's an adjective
Me: (moves to kick him with my unshaven leg. He rubs my leg)
Jared: ugh! Ok you're hairy. Hairy is an adjective.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Q Shapes

Me: Why do you keep taking showers before I even get home? What are you hiding?
Jared: Why are you so suspicious? You don't get suspicious when I shave a Q into my ass hairs, but showering makes you suspicious. A Q shape in my ass is suspicious!

I really had no idea what he was talking about....

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Jared's first pube

Jared: I remember the day I first used a power saw. It was a religious experience.  I think it was also the day I got my first pube.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Flaws in logic and ass

Me: Why in the hell would you not take the food out of the pan before you rinsed it? You can't put water over food and just let it sit there.
Jared: I cleaned it up!
Me: Just putting water in it isn't cleaning it up. Do you not see the flaws in your logic here?
Jared: Do you want to talk about flaws in my logic? B/c I can talk about the flaws in your ass!
Me: I'm just saying to take the food out of the pan before rinsing the pan out!
Jared: 847 dimples! And 43 pimples! And I have to look at it! ALL WHILE TRYING TO MAINTAIN AN ERECTION!