Our future child

Jared: if its a boy, all of its clothes are taken care of bc of our nephews. If its a girl....dyke. just like her daddy, she'll eat at the pink taco stand. The alphabet bitch only caters to a very specific clientele.

More about beatings

Jared: if I were an abusive husband, id beat Sheila to show you what could happen to you. Oh, Mehgan  burned dinner again? Time to cut off Sheila's tail. Oh wait, for her to be able to burn dinner, she has to cook. (From the other room now:) do I have to come to the other room to see the dirty look you're giving me?

Yes. Yes he had to.

Getting off

Me, intending to ask jared about what time he left work tonight: how'd you get off?
Jared: well sometimes I just use my finger.....

I'll let you guys figure that one out.

Damn you, Helen

We're watching the movie "Troy" and Orlando Bloom says "till the day they burn my body, I will love you" or something. Jared decided to add his own script to that conversation.

Jared: till the day they burn my body, I'll love you. But just till I get one burn. If I even so much get a burn from taking a falafel out of the oven, you're gone, bitch.

Then, later:
Jared: lets name our son Agamemnon Priam. "I may be 10 but I'm old and crotchety"

Between our crotchedy son Agamemnon and our whore daughter Amelia Bedelia, we'll prove to be great parents.

nicolas cage

jared: do you want to watch "national treasure"?
me: no i cant watch anything with nicolas cage in it. i cant look at his botox
jared: he didnt get botox. his mom just fucked gumby.

Strip Clubs

Jared: That's the nastiest strip club in Pensacola. You have to have a bullet wound and a C-section scar to work there. Not one or the other. Both. I went there once and you could see coke lines on the dancers' faces. It looked like they had been eating powdered donuts with their noses.

amelia bedelia cash

in talking about our future hypothetical children's names:

jared: we'll name her amelia bedelia cash. so she'll be ABC and in college, she'll be strung out on drugs and resort to prostitution and her pimp will call her The Alphabet Ho and that's how she'll pay for college
me:we're not gonna pay for her college?
jared: no we will but she's gonna use it all for drugs

im glad he has such high hopes for our future possible daughter

out of town...

...and i miss my husband