Loud farts

Jared is a sleep talker. And he is very vocal when he gets started. I like to engage him, mostly to see what sorts of gems will come about. This was a couple months ago but I just stumbled upon it on his Facebook wall, where I usually post them so he and the rest of his friends list will know what I get to live with. So enjoy this one.

Jared: I gotta check the ticket stubs.
Me: for what?
Jared: Woodstock.
Me: are we going to Woodstock?
Jared: yes.
.Me: who's playing?
Jared: Steve carrell.
Me: he plays music now?
Jared: yes.
Me: do you like his music?
Jared: baby I'm just fucking with you.
Me: why?
Jared: (loud fart). That's why.

a rhyming game

me: I'd really like to get some Vera Bradley luggage for the honeymoon.
Jared: You know the answer to that, and it rhymes with "smotmonnamappen"

Base coat.

Jared, to me:  You, you've got the brains, and you've got an ok base coat, but we'll get a little work done on you. It'll all buff out.

This is after a discussion of what we'll do if we win the lottery.

Dressing.

Jared: Next to "un", ranch is my favorite dressing.

Grammar and ice cream

Jared, scooping ice cream: I like this ice cream. It scoops easy.
Me: Easily.
Jared: I like this ice cream. It doesn't correct my grammar.

Really, I had this one coming.

Olivia Benson turns a grown man into a prepubescent perv

Jared, pausing Law and Order SVU on Mariska Hargitay's credit: Whoa! She has a low-cut shirt on here!
Me: Did you really just pause to check out Olivia Benson's cleavage? How old are you?
Jared: I am horny-six years old.

Egos

Yesterday we went to do some measurements at our wedding venue. It has a long walkway up to the pavillion. Armed with a tape measurer, Jared says, "Hold on, I have to measure this walkway to make sure that your dad's ego will fit through."

God I can't wait to marry this man.

Because he can

Don't you just love being a childfree adult? I do.

Jared: "My name is Jared. I'm 26 years old. And I'm having a dinner of mini-corn dogs and tater tots and orange soda. Because I can. Because I'm a fucking adult.  And they're going to be fucking delicious."

I'll never get the smell of tater tots out of my house.

motherly.

jared: youre not very motherly. but i can see myself in about ten years waking up with you standing over me with a penis pump and saying "im making a baby!"

apparently thats all takes to create a new life. a penis pump and a little persuasion.

End of the world movies

One time i made the mistake of telling Jared that I had a couple of "firsts" during two movies...Independence Day and Mars Attacks. No, I didn't lose my virginity in movie theaters. God. I don't really know how to write this blog post without sounding so slutty. (To which Jared just said "You should go back in time to tell Past Mehgan not to be so slutty. But you weren't slutty. You just weren't picky). Ok, anyway, I had boyfriends and I started too young, ok? Ok.

Jared makes jokes about end-of-the-world movies with me all the time. "Hey, can we watch Armageddon? I feel the need for a release." Jerk. I told him he's not allowed to make those jokes for 6 weeks because I was tired of the frequency of them. So he complied.

He's sitting here watching movie trailers and he saw an EOTW movie. He said "Oh, an end of hte world movie! Wait, no, I can't make the joke. Nevermind. Maybe I should write it down. 'Dear Mehgan, open in six weeks.' I'll just put it in my death folder so that when I die, you can have copies of all the jokes I wanted to make about end of the world movies while I was alive but couldn't.'"

IM SO LUCKY.

My nickname

People often wonder why Jared calls me "Big Pig." The truth is, I LOVE that nickname and it makes my heart glad whenever he calls me that. Mostly b/c it's the first time he really expressed that he loved me, and he didn't even realize he did it.

What do I mean? Read on.

One night, after we'd been dating just a couple months, he was sleeping at my house. He sleep talks quite often, but I didn't know that yet. Well, I was up late one night reading, and he rolled over, slapped my ass as hard as he could, and then this happened:

Jared: I love you, big pig.
Me: what?
Jared: I love you, big big.
Me: are you even awake?
Jared: yea! See? *loud fart*

I was immediately appalled and thought "Does he really think I'm a fat ass?" And then my brain went to "Wow, he loves me???" I asked him about it the next day and he doesn't, and still doesn't to this day, remember. But the nickname stuck and I love it so much.

It may seem like he's verbally abusive, just from what I've posted about him so far, but honestly, he's so ri-fricken-diculously in love with me that it's crazy sometimes. So yeah, he's not mean. Just goofy. And I don't mind. :)

Love handles.

Jared, spooning me: I love your love handles. That's why they're called "love handles". Because I love handling them.

I don't know where the influx of fat jokes he's made lately have come from, but I finally told him to stop. They may make good blog entries and funny stories, but they make him look bad.