a cameo

my husband hasnt said anything funny lately (we cant get famous off of silence!)but here's a gem from his friend jason, while we were talking about crazy policies of a religious college in town.

me: girls cant even ride in elevators with boys
jason: aerosmith ruined that for everyone

nose bleeds

me: ive been getting random nose bleeds lately.
jared: yea but the kitchen's clean

Bedazzled.

Me: There's an LGBT safe house somewhere around this neighborhood
Jared: Why do they need a safe house? I thought that's what discos were for
Me: No one calls them discos anymore. That wasn't a good one.
Jared: Ok, give me a minute.
(a minute later)
Jared: Why do they need safe houses? I thought that's what Pottery Barns are for.
Me: No, that just makes me think of the episode of Friends where Rachel is obsessed with Pottery Barn. Try again.
Jared: Ok, hold on.
(a minute later)
Jared: Why do they need safe houses? I thought that's what Bedazzlers were for
Me: Ok, I'll give you that one.

It's not a safe house, but he tried.

magic dicks

jared, reading from failbook: "the way to make women happy is to have a dick made out of chocolate and that ejaculates money"
me: thats not really me
jared: no, with you id have to have a dick made from a Chipotle burrito and that ejaculates free spay and neuter coupons


at least he knows me well.

gulli-calf

Jared: you're the most gullible person i know. 'Mehgan, of course my dick is 10 inches. you've just been using the wrong rulers. you have to stop buying your measuring tools at Dollar Tree.' It's almost like I had to marry you so that no one else would take your innocence away.
Me: I haven't had innocence since I was 14.
Jared: Ok, fine. Your idiocy.

The Burden of the Wedding Ring

We got married today (well, yesterday...it's technically "the day after" but I'm still up reliving the moment!). Jared is still getting used to his wedding ring, which of course is worn on his left hand. He's a lefty, remember?  Well, he was analyzing his "activities" with his ring today, including tapping it on his beer bottle as a sign of applause, punching bitches, opening beer bottles, lifting the boxes at work, and, well...you'll see.

Jared: You know the only thing I think I won't like with this ring? Jerking off. It's gonna get in the way. It's gonna feel weird with a ring touching my dick.

My response?
Me: Go get me the computer so I can update the blog, please.

I'm a lucky bride.