Fat with a P

Jared, after I took off my shirt, in a "ghetto" sort of voice: Girl you fat.
 Me: What???
Jared: Naw baby, fat with a P. I aint gonna cut cha down when I'm trying to get all up in dem guts tonight.


I had to remind him the proper wording is "fat with a PH". But still, this is how he hits on me now.

Better dinners

Jared: why are my clothes on the floor?
Me: because I've learned you'll put them up if I throw them on the floor.
Jared: and I've learned that if I hit you, you'll cook better dinners. There. We're both learning things.

Jared the gamer

Jared got a new computer game tonight called "Civilizations" or some such crap. Here are some random lines that he's spouted off throughout playing the game.

"I think I just declared war on a whale."
"I created the alphabet and want to trade it with someone for their mathematics. They said that wasn't enough. Yeah, good luck trying to do complex math without that X."
"Napolean Bonaparte is declaring war against me? Bring it on, you fucking midget."
"Is it sad that Ghengis Khan is my only ally?"
"How the fuck did someone else create Christianity? I'm not even finished creating Judaism just yet!! I guess Jesus really wasn't a Jew."

Such is the life of the wife of a gamer.

Sweet nothings

Got home from work today to find a note written on the bathroom mirror in dry erase marker. Jared does little things like this when he has to redeem himself or otherwise wants to look romantic. But, Jared being Jared, he puts his own spin on things. I'll let you people figure that out.

(you can clicky the picture to make it bigger)

Guy Harvey

In response to me putting on my new Guy Harvey shirt:
Jared: You look hot. You look like we should have sex on a fishing boat.

More inner disappointment

Jared: I had a dream last night that we went out to eat and you told the waitress "we don't have a lot of money but we have a better tip for you" and then you started making out with her at the table.
Me: what's with these dreams you have where I'm a lesbian?
Jared: what's with these dreams I have where I don't do anything about it?

Jared's thoughts on Miami

 This is a video from the Golden Girls episode where Rose and Dorothy made up a song about Miami for a contest. Jared, however, didn't agree with them. So he changed it up for them a bit.

Jared: Miami. Miami, you lack style. Murders and drug deals, lost weaves by the mile.

Post business travel

Jared: I haven't seen you in a week. If you get pregnant and it's a girl, we're naming her Marina.
Me: why Marina?
Jared: because the hotel I stayed at this week was on Marina Mile Road. We can't very well name her Ramada.