Snickering

Me: I was in the shower and the conditoner bottle fell on my head!
Jared: I heard you yell out. I thought you fell or something.
Me: Well thanks for coming to my rescue!
Jared: Oh you were cussing so I knew you were ok. All i could think of though was "Keep watching the show. Don't laugh. She can't hear you talk from up there but she will sure as shit hear you snicker."

Something in common

Me: we have nothing in common
Jared: yes we do. We have stuff that matters in common
Me: like what?
Jared: (ridiculously loud ass-blowing fart)
Me: (annoyed and disgusted look)
Jared: you don't find farts funny? I thought we'd have that in common at least.

I'm a giant pile of goop

Jared is talking in his sleep right now. 
Jared: you're gonna have a lot of explaining to do at your next job. 
Me: why's that?
Jared: you're gonna have to explain some stuff to the people in charge. 
Me: what will I have to explain?
Jared: you're gonna have to explain to them why you turned into a giant pile of goop. 
Me: why'd I turn into goop?
Jared: I don't know but you'll have to explain why you're a pile of goop. 

Numb3rs

Ah, Jew-fro

While watching the show "Numb3rs":
Jared, after undressing: Do you mind if I pause it?
Me: Why?
Jared: Because I'm gonna jerk off right here in the hamper and I don't want Charlie to see. His Jew-fro just does nothing for me. What the fuck do you think I'm gonna do? I'm gonna go shower!

Then he called Sheila a perv for sniffing his ass and told her she was too young for that.

Low self-esteem

Jared: you know why I really wanna have a kid, right? Because in 2 to 3 years, your self-esteem will be at an all-time low and you'll be more open to a threesome.
Me: what the hell???
Jared: that's what all this is about
Me: it's impossible for me to have low self-esteem anyway.
Jared: that's why we have to have a kid. We have to wreck your beautiful body in order for it to happen.

Mehgan Math

Me: I found out that to get a group rate on a cruise, we'd need to book at least 8 rooms.
Jared: So we need 16 couples?
Me: ....? No, we need 8 couples.
Jared: Oh crap. That makes sense. Sorry, I was doing Mehgan Math.

I couldn't argue with him there.

Big differences

Me: Jam is not the same as jelly.
Jared: Good job, Einstein. That's why they're called something different. Hey, did you know that penis is different from vagina?