Hot for Teacher

Me: When will teachers learn not to have sex with their students?
Jared: I don't know why they tell anyone! If I were still in high school and I was fucking one of my teachers, I wouldn't tell anyone! That'd be my most closely guarded secret. At least till years later, if I found out the statute of limitations was up, I'd start telling everyone. "See that hot teacher? Yeah, I fucked her all through high school!"

Two Mehgans

Me, licking the cake batter off the beater: God this stuff is so good that I'm wearing it. It's all over my shirt.
Jared: Nice going, fatty. You know, when I said I wanted to be with two women, I didn't want you to be both of them.

Christmas presents

Me: I think we should make Christmas presents this year to save money
Jared: I've got Christmas covered this year. We give everyone fake sonogram pictures and then the next month, we will tell them we had a miscarriage.
Me: (utter disbelief)
Jared: are you in?
Me: you're a terrible person.
Jared: that's not a no.

Chick-Fil-A ordering

Me, pulling up to the trash can thinking it's a drive thru: I always think this is where I'm supposed to order! It looks like the speaker box.
(Pulls up to the proper spot)
Chick-Fil-A girl: Hi, order when you're ready.
Jared: Hi, I'll take a smarter wife with a side order of rich please.

Words with Friends moves

This came almost immediately after I resigned our game when he finally played after 6 days:

Jared, on another game: I can spell "youth" if I had somewhere to put it.
Me: It'll just take you 6 days to put it somewhere though.
Jared: Much like you with my penis?

Then, 1 minute later:
Jared: You missed me, didn't you?
Me: Go back to Louisiana.

Southern politics

Me: mike huckabee's parents are listed as "conservative southern democrats"
Jared: so they're...black?

God's sense of humor

On a conversation about people asking us when we're having kids:

Me: I just tell people we're leaving it up to God.
Jared: I don't know, that guy can be kind of a prick. Not sure about babies? Here are some triplets! All girls!! All lesbians!
Me: At least we wouldn't have to pay for any weddings.
Jared: Yea but with our luck, we'd have one bull-dyke, one tomboy, and one lipstick lesbian. Money's going somewhere. 

Reunion postings

At our 10-year reunion:

Jared: I can't wait to meet the guy whose virginity you took.
Me: oh he's not coming
Jared: like he didn't in high school. Ooh!
Me: no unlike some people he didn't have that problem.
Jared: you probably didn't know what you were doing then either though.

And the night has just started.

Jared the hit man

Jared: I could be a hit man and kill people for money. Doing my taxes would be a bitch though. "sir, you make all your deposits in cash and you're trying to write off bullets as a business expense? Hm..."