dead souls

jared: if we ever have a kid, lets never let him be "the fat kid" or "the smelly kid". i just saw a woman who had 3 boys that were both and she looked like her soul was dead.

Icees

Jared: You fucked up my Icee! You don't stir Icees. You tap them down. Fucking amateur.

cake

jared: hell hath no fury like mehgan when you get between her and cake.

dick.

people watching

jared: wow check out that chick. she should not be wearing that
me: which girl? the one in the front or the one in the back?
jared: yes.

How big is your god?

Me: I saw a church sign today that said "How big is your God?" and I sent it to Wes. He wrote back "My god isn't too big, but he has girth"
Jared: Does Wes worship me?

Dirty shirts

Me: Look how dirty my shirt is.
Jared: Look how un-used my dick is!

Had that one coming, I guess!

Work bonuses are actually a bonus

Another oldie that I came across.

This was actually a text conversation we had, but we basically sent the first two texts at the same time (we're such soul mates like that). And I had just taken a pregnancy test. Because, well, sometimes I worry.

Me: I'm not pregnant
Jared: I'm getting a bonus on my next check.
Jared: And now I don't have to spend it on an abortion!

Barry White (RIP)

Look at that chest hair encased in that moob! Rawr!

Me, just after singing along terribly: Oh Barry White! Rest in peace.
Jared: You killed him. He knew you were gonna sing his song one day and it killed him.

Extreme hotness.

This is an oldie but a goodie. Most of the time that Jared talks in his sleep, his eyes are open and he appears as though he's awake because he's talking quite well and, well, he's looking dead at me. So sometimes i don't realize that he's actually talking in his sleep. 

Jared, opening his eyes at my entrance to the bedroom: I'm trying to figure out who you are
Me: who else would it be?
Jared: 15 hotties
Me: anyone in particular?
Jared: 15 lookalikes
.Me: what would you do if there were 15 people who looked like me?
Jared: I'd do them
Me: where would you start?
Jared: I'd do them alphabetically starting in the middle. I'd start with the N's and would work my way back to the A's.

 Well at least I know he wants me and only me! 

 Also shown by this sleep-talking conversation:

Jared: go away. You're too hot.
Me: hot?
Jared: hot as in sexy. Too sexy. I might attack you. Too sexy.
Me: how am I too sexy?
Jared: standing by that red bull display. Too sexy. Sexy. 

 Redbull not only gives people wings, but it also gives them extreme sexiness.

What Jared really thinks about me

Jared: there are too many dirt bikes in this store
me: one can never have enough dirt bikes.
Jared: who asked you?
me: how many are there?
Jared: like 12.                                                                                                                                             Me: I need one. Mine are broken
Jared: that's bc you're a goddamn moe-ron
Me: I think I'm quite smart
Jared: nobody asked you
me: so can I borrow one?
Jared: no
me: why not?
Jared: bc you're a goddamn moe-ron

 And then he put his hand on my boob and left it there.

Strippers and ones

I gave Jared a wad of cash tonight, most of it in one-dollar bills. I was able to bring up the fact that he's dated a stripper before. i try to throw that in his face when I can. He found a way to get back at me.

Jared:  Now I know where I'm going with all of these ones.
Me: Yeah, i felt like your ex-girlfriend when I realized how many I had.
Jared:  Yeah and in two years, you'll feel like my ex-wife.

I'll be his first wife. This one backfired on me.

Veterinary medicine

Me: Sheila is coughing a lot today. I don't know if it's kennel cough or if she has something stuck in her throat.
Jared: It may have been that string she was chewing on. Give her a big scoop of peanut butter and if it is something stuck in her throat, the peanut butter will catch it and she'll swallow it. Then give her some milk so it will dissolve.
Me: Ok, I'll try it.
Jared: I'm like the MacGuyver of veterinary medicine.

blow job politics

jared: you know, im still very pro blow job.
me: and im still very anti blow job.
jared: i thought you were more middle of the road?
me: blow jobs arent politics.
jared: it is if you want to be re-elected as wife.

Artistic Ability.

In planning for our wedding, I somehow thought it a good idea to DIY (or "do it yourself" for non-message-board-fanatics) a bunch of things. I've also decided to do little projects that are ridiculously easy (or so they look). But I've found that I have no artistic ability whatsoever. I turned to Jared for support, and ever the encouraging husband (to be), he had a suggestion for me.

Me: I've always thought that every person in the world had even a little artistic ability, some sort of little talent. But I've found that I have none whatsoever.
Jared: Maybe you can fart music.
Me: I've never considered it.
Jared: Maybe you can fart pitch-perfect showtunes.
Me: I've never tried it.
Jared: Maybe you should look into it.

Pending. Or not. Girls don't fart.

Sheila

That's her typical destruction in the background

Our dog Sheila is special, and not the kind you brag about to your friends. Jared seems to think there's something mentally wrong with her, which I don't disagree with. In fact, this is what he has to say about it:

"I'm not saying Sheila is bipolar, but if she had poles, there'd be two of them."