Hot for Teacher

Me: When will teachers learn not to have sex with their students?
Jared: I don't know why they tell anyone! If I were still in high school and I was fucking one of my teachers, I wouldn't tell anyone! That'd be my most closely guarded secret. At least till years later, if I found out the statute of limitations was up, I'd start telling everyone. "See that hot teacher? Yeah, I fucked her all through high school!"

Two Mehgans

Me, licking the cake batter off the beater: God this stuff is so good that I'm wearing it. It's all over my shirt.
Jared: Nice going, fatty. You know, when I said I wanted to be with two women, I didn't want you to be both of them.

Christmas presents

Me: I think we should make Christmas presents this year to save money
Jared: I've got Christmas covered this year. We give everyone fake sonogram pictures and then the next month, we will tell them we had a miscarriage.
Me: (utter disbelief)
Jared: are you in?
Me: you're a terrible person.
Jared: that's not a no.

Chick-Fil-A ordering

Me, pulling up to the trash can thinking it's a drive thru: I always think this is where I'm supposed to order! It looks like the speaker box.
(Pulls up to the proper spot)
Chick-Fil-A girl: Hi, order when you're ready.
Jared: Hi, I'll take a smarter wife with a side order of rich please.

Words with Friends moves

This came almost immediately after I resigned our game when he finally played after 6 days:

Jared, on another game: I can spell "youth" if I had somewhere to put it.
Me: It'll just take you 6 days to put it somewhere though.
Jared: Much like you with my penis?

Then, 1 minute later:
Jared: You missed me, didn't you?
Me: Go back to Louisiana.

Southern politics

Me: mike huckabee's parents are listed as "conservative southern democrats"
Jared: so they're...black?

God's sense of humor

On a conversation about people asking us when we're having kids:

Me: I just tell people we're leaving it up to God.
Jared: I don't know, that guy can be kind of a prick. Not sure about babies? Here are some triplets! All girls!! All lesbians!
Me: At least we wouldn't have to pay for any weddings.
Jared: Yea but with our luck, we'd have one bull-dyke, one tomboy, and one lipstick lesbian. Money's going somewhere. 

Reunion postings

At our 10-year reunion:

Jared: I can't wait to meet the guy whose virginity you took.
Me: oh he's not coming
Jared: like he didn't in high school. Ooh!
Me: no unlike some people he didn't have that problem.
Jared: you probably didn't know what you were doing then either though.

And the night has just started.

Jared the hit man

Jared: I could be a hit man and kill people for money. Doing my taxes would be a bitch though. "sir, you make all your deposits in cash and you're trying to write off bullets as a business expense? Hm..."

Snickering

Me: I was in the shower and the conditoner bottle fell on my head!
Jared: I heard you yell out. I thought you fell or something.
Me: Well thanks for coming to my rescue!
Jared: Oh you were cussing so I knew you were ok. All i could think of though was "Keep watching the show. Don't laugh. She can't hear you talk from up there but she will sure as shit hear you snicker."

Something in common

Me: we have nothing in common
Jared: yes we do. We have stuff that matters in common
Me: like what?
Jared: (ridiculously loud ass-blowing fart)
Me: (annoyed and disgusted look)
Jared: you don't find farts funny? I thought we'd have that in common at least.

I'm a giant pile of goop

Jared is talking in his sleep right now. 
Jared: you're gonna have a lot of explaining to do at your next job. 
Me: why's that?
Jared: you're gonna have to explain some stuff to the people in charge. 
Me: what will I have to explain?
Jared: you're gonna have to explain to them why you turned into a giant pile of goop. 
Me: why'd I turn into goop?
Jared: I don't know but you'll have to explain why you're a pile of goop. 

Numb3rs

Ah, Jew-fro

While watching the show "Numb3rs":
Jared, after undressing: Do you mind if I pause it?
Me: Why?
Jared: Because I'm gonna jerk off right here in the hamper and I don't want Charlie to see. His Jew-fro just does nothing for me. What the fuck do you think I'm gonna do? I'm gonna go shower!

Then he called Sheila a perv for sniffing his ass and told her she was too young for that.

Low self-esteem

Jared: you know why I really wanna have a kid, right? Because in 2 to 3 years, your self-esteem will be at an all-time low and you'll be more open to a threesome.
Me: what the hell???
Jared: that's what all this is about
Me: it's impossible for me to have low self-esteem anyway.
Jared: that's why we have to have a kid. We have to wreck your beautiful body in order for it to happen.

Mehgan Math

Me: I found out that to get a group rate on a cruise, we'd need to book at least 8 rooms.
Jared: So we need 16 couples?
Me: ....? No, we need 8 couples.
Jared: Oh crap. That makes sense. Sorry, I was doing Mehgan Math.

I couldn't argue with him there.