An FYI and apology to readers

It's come to my attention that some readers, or at least one reader, has found some of the posts I've made regarding what my husband says as offensive and racist.

Obviously if I'm posting things that are shared between me and my husband, I'm bound to face some sort of criticism for what is said or even for the simple act of posting it at all.

However, just because I write an excerpt of a conversation does not mean that's the complete thought we have on the subject. So what's not seen is the constant lecturing my husband faces from me as a result of what has been said. Do I need to post those to show that my husband and I are NOT what some readers may see us as? Possibly, but that's not the point of the blog, which is supposed to be entertaining and comedic at best.

Yes, my husband is crude and obnoxious and seemingly abusive or racist, but I can tell you thats not at all what he is. The excerpts you see are a snippet of his at times terrible and sick sense of humour. What you're not reading though is my thoughts on a subject or even the fact that he realizes some of te stuff he has said is just downright wrong. Moreover, again, you're not seeing our discussions of why it's wrong in our opinions. And trust me when I say we live in the south and we both come from not the most open-minded background and families (some of those whom we choose to distance ourselves from simply bc of their offensive views)

In addition, being in the line of work I'm in, I witness stereotyping and racism almost daily on some level and I too am offended by that and make it a point to ignore it where necessary or discuss it if I'm able to with that person.

In a time where people find celebrities like Daniel Tosh to be entertaining, we should be able to separate joke from sincerity. He is able to make a living off of stereotyping and bashing groups of people and yet his ratings continue to soar. I'll admit my husband and I are a fan of his, but we are fans solely bc we CAN separate humor from sincerity. So we are able to recognize when things are said in jest. Considering, thiugh, that I am a white and straight female and my husband is a white and straight male, we have obviously not faced stereotyping or predjudice that others have and we are therefore not able to relate. But that does not mean that we should be classed in a group of people who are intolerable to others different from ourselves. It's simply not so.

Therefore, I apologize to that reader or even multiple readers who have become offended.

The apolgoy is directed at not only various races of people but also people who have gone through domestic abuse, weight issues, abortions, plastic surgery, poverty, or anything else that Jared has talked about that may offend a certain group. I may as well go ahead and say that includes myself, since I often am the butt of my husband's humor.

So with that, I will say that I will continue to post as I see fit and I will continue to censor certain things that my husband says, as I have done in the past, but will keep an open mind to the fact that my husband, and therefore I, will probably always offend someone in some way.

But I will ignore any labels or classifications that others decide to bestow upon us because what matters is that I know that my husband and I are good and decent people who share a few laughs together and decide to put it on the Internet.

Thank you,
Mehgan

Spider webs

After a discussion of how he's always wondering what I'll be pissed about:

Me: how do you not cower around me?
Jared: because I'm not scared of you. I'm not scared of anything but spider webs
Me: you're scared of spider webs???
Jared: yes. Not what's in the web. Just the webs. You get me in a spider web and I turn into a 3-year-old girl. They're the ickiest things around. Yes, I said icky.

Coining new terms

Jared: dick beard. That's the new term for "pubes". And you can call yours "the vag stache"

My. God.

Adjectives and fishing

Me: are you happy with my body?
Jared: I guess
Me: I'm not too big for you?
Jared: I've done bigger
Me: thanks. I mean, you're happy with my size and how I look
Jared: why are you asking me this?
Me: bc I'm fishing
Jared: don't fish. You already caught me (that's his attempt at being sweet)
Me: I'm fishing for compliments
Jared: every time I grab your butt, that's a compliment
Me: I want words with adjectives
Jared: I like your buttly butt
Me: that's dumb
Jared: you're womanly. I like that. You're not rail thin
Me: voluptuous?
Jared: that's just a nice word for fat
Me: I am fat
Jared: you're not fat. Youre obese
Me: ...
Jared: what? That's an adjective
Me: (moves to kick him with my unshaven leg. He rubs my leg)
Jared: ugh! Ok you're hairy. Hairy is an adjective.

Q Shapes

Me: Why do you keep taking showers before I even get home? What are you hiding?
Jared: Why are you so suspicious? You don't get suspicious when I shave a Q into my ass hairs, but showering makes you suspicious. A Q shape in my ass is suspicious!

I really had no idea what he was talking about....

Jared's first pube

Jared: I remember the day I first used a power saw. It was a religious experience.  I think it was also the day I got my first pube.

Flaws in logic and ass

Me: Why in the hell would you not take the food out of the pan before you rinsed it? You can't put water over food and just let it sit there.
Jared: I cleaned it up!
Me: Just putting water in it isn't cleaning it up. Do you not see the flaws in your logic here?
Jared: Do you want to talk about flaws in my logic? B/c I can talk about the flaws in your ass!
Me: I'm just saying to take the food out of the pan before rinsing the pan out!
Jared: 847 dimples! And 43 pimples! And I have to look at it! ALL WHILE TRYING TO MAINTAIN AN ERECTION!

Ouch.

Hot for Teacher

Me: When will teachers learn not to have sex with their students?
Jared: I don't know why they tell anyone! If I were still in high school and I was fucking one of my teachers, I wouldn't tell anyone! That'd be my most closely guarded secret. At least till years later, if I found out the statute of limitations was up, I'd start telling everyone. "See that hot teacher? Yeah, I fucked her all through high school!"

Two Mehgans

Me, licking the cake batter off the beater: God this stuff is so good that I'm wearing it. It's all over my shirt.
Jared: Nice going, fatty. You know, when I said I wanted to be with two women, I didn't want you to be both of them.

Christmas presents

Me: I think we should make Christmas presents this year to save money
Jared: I've got Christmas covered this year. We give everyone fake sonogram pictures and then the next month, we will tell them we had a miscarriage.
Me: (utter disbelief)
Jared: are you in?
Me: you're a terrible person.
Jared: that's not a no.

Chick-Fil-A ordering

Me, pulling up to the trash can thinking it's a drive thru: I always think this is where I'm supposed to order! It looks like the speaker box.
(Pulls up to the proper spot)
Chick-Fil-A girl: Hi, order when you're ready.
Jared: Hi, I'll take a smarter wife with a side order of rich please.

Words with Friends moves

This came almost immediately after I resigned our game when he finally played after 6 days:

Jared, on another game: I can spell "youth" if I had somewhere to put it.
Me: It'll just take you 6 days to put it somewhere though.
Jared: Much like you with my penis?

Then, 1 minute later:
Jared: You missed me, didn't you?
Me: Go back to Louisiana.

Southern politics

Me: mike huckabee's parents are listed as "conservative southern democrats"
Jared: so they're...black?

God's sense of humor

On a conversation about people asking us when we're having kids:

Me: I just tell people we're leaving it up to God.
Jared: I don't know, that guy can be kind of a prick. Not sure about babies? Here are some triplets! All girls!! All lesbians!
Me: At least we wouldn't have to pay for any weddings.
Jared: Yea but with our luck, we'd have one bull-dyke, one tomboy, and one lipstick lesbian. Money's going somewhere. 

Reunion postings

At our 10-year reunion:

Jared: I can't wait to meet the guy whose virginity you took.
Me: oh he's not coming
Jared: like he didn't in high school. Ooh!
Me: no unlike some people he didn't have that problem.
Jared: you probably didn't know what you were doing then either though.

And the night has just started.