Hotel Pillows

Jared: I have 6 pillows on this bed
Me: you can use all of them.
Jared: I'm gonna put 75% of the covers on 2 of them and yell at them for farting and throw one all over the place telling it to calm down

He misses us, I promise.

Hotel room beds

Jared is away on business this week, and he's staying in a hotel. He wanted a room with just one big bed, not two. But the plus to having two beds?

"I can use one bed for sleeping and one bed for jerking off."

Good thing he ended up getting a room with one big bed. Still, those poor maids.

Chub rub fires

I recently bought a pair of cutoff jean shorts, and they get those strings hanging from the bottoms of the legs. Jared did the nice thing and offered to cut them off for me.

Jared: here, let me cut those strings off. It's like kindling for a chub rub fire.
Me: what an asshole you are!
Jared: not the nicest thing to say to a guy with scissors by your crotch.

My husband, always concerned with being nice.

69 and 31

Me: I taught a girl at work how to make change tonight. I showed her that every number out of a 100 has a pair to make 100. So like 54 pairs with 46, 98 pairs with 2, 31 pairs with 69, etc.
Jared: Now I know what I'm gonna get you for your birthday in 2 years. When you turn 31, I'm gonna say that "hey, you know what 31 pairs with? That's right."
Me: And you're gonna make me 69 for the entire year I'm 31?
Jared: No, actually I was gonna just say that night only but i like the way you think. And then when I turn 31, oh yeah!

These are birthday presents to look forward to, according to my husband.

Not the right response

Jared: I had another weird dream last night. I dreamt that I came home and caught you hooking up with a chick in our bed and I was like "Oh, my bad" and closed the door and went and slept in the living room. There should be one of two responses to that: get pissed or join in. Not "Oh my bad" and walk away!

Me: You're a homo.

Then the other day:
Jared: I had a dream last night where one of my exes came to the house to sell you some Mary Kay, and you decided to kill her and hide her body. And you nonchalantly brought it up over dinner like it was no big deal.

Yep, bitches better step.

Beat em down, pick em up

Jared: my dick wouldn't get soft if your vagina was as moist as those cookies you've made. See what I did there? I insulted you sexually while also complimenting your cooking. Beat em down, pick em up.
Fyi, dear readers, this was said in the kitchen while unloading groceries. It was not said in the context you may be thinking.

What turns jared on

Me (referring to our Words with Friends game): oh my God! Stop beating me!
Jared: you know, the more you say that, the more it turns me on.

Self-confidence

Jared: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at myself in the mirror.
Jared: Sigh.
Me: What? Wouldn't you rather have a wife who likes the way she looks?
Jared: No, I want a wife with no self-confidence who I can berate.

That wasn't said with sarcasm, either.

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Mehgan-ing someone

Me: "Jew" could be a verb
Jared: You're a verb. As in "I'll Mehgan the shit out of you."
Me: What's the definition?
Jared: Making someone eat a lot of cake.
Me: Why is my name the verb for that?
Jared: Because you make people eat lots of cake. Or better yet, "Mehgan: to force someone to eat something that they don't want." You do that a lot.

I do.

Shannon Elizabeth

Me: She's really big into animal rescue
Jared: She's really big in the chest department too. Yeah, I went there.

Not quite the same as rescuing animals, but it'll do.

Bacon out

Me, after a kiss from jared: ew, your breath smells like bacon
Jared: its hot, right? Manly.
(Jared comes in for a big kiss, mouth wide open)
Jared, after being smacked by me: what? I thought we were bacon out!

Boredom activities

Jared: historically, I do 3 things when I'm bored: smoke, jerk off, and eat. Since I don't smoke anymore, I'm doing a lot more of the other two.

A picture says a thousand words.

 

My husband made this picture using photo-editing software on my phone. I didn't know what he was doing with my phone until I saw this. How very true it is though. This picture was from our cruise honeymoon's formal night.

Jungle gyms

Jared: I always dated girls my height or taller. My record was 6'2" [jared is 5'4"].
Me: how'd that work out?
Jared: it was fun. It was like climbing a jungle gym
Me: what the hell did she see in you?
Jared: I'm the funny guy. Most girls want a funny guy. They just dont want him for long. I was ok with that. I didn't need them for long either. But I was easy to get rid of. Unlike hemrhoids, you can't just rub a cream on me and I'll go away.

Then later:
Jared: how many girls say they want a funny guy? They all say "I'm looking for a guy who's cute, funny and smart". I'm not handsome...I'm cute. But I'm funny first.

The Bowel Movement

Jared: so you've got the Tea Party Movement, and now you've got the Coffee Movement. I'm starting a new movement: the Bowel Movement. Because they're all full of shit. That's my political affiliation now.

Then, to Sheila:
Jared: would you be our mascot, Sheila? You like poop. (In the "Sheila voice") "I like poop!"

I think he's paranoid

Me: (typing something non-blog-related)
Jared: Are you updating the blog again? I didn't even say anything! I kind of have to fart though.
Me: (clicks to blog and updates)

Ass Fro

This came from a conversation about ass hair. My apologies.

Jared: I'm gonna start playing connect the dots with your acne. There. Now you feel self-conscious about it. Just like I feel self-conscious now about my ass fro. Oh I like that term. Ass fro. And I just made it up!

Accu-pedo

Jared: I don't like this pedometer app I downloaded. It's called Accu-Pedo. "This pedophile is spot on! He knows exactly where those kids are!" I much prefer a pedophile that wasn't so accurate.

Motor. Boat.

Me: You haven't complimented my rack all day. I think it looks quite nice today and you haven't said anything.
Jared: (responds by grabbing my boob)
Me: No, I want words. Words. Compliments!
Jared: Ok, you want words? I gotta word for you. It's called "motorboat" (begins to motorboat me). There. I told you some words, then I turned it into a verb. Words.

A minute later...
Jared: I didn't even get a boner from that. Man, I'm doing great!

Why Jared isn't a doctor

I saw a picture recently of when Jared was in 4th grade, standing in front of a science project board that said "Gum: Which flavor lasts the longest?" He said he came up with that project the night before it was due, and after the fair, he was told he was better and smarter than that. So the next year, in 5th grade, he set out to prove everyone right: he did his science project on hydrodynamics. At 10 years old, he came up with an elaborate science fair project that had everyone impressed and telling him he was going places, and even that his project was too advanced to be entered into the county science fair. Everyone told him he'll grow up to do great things: be a doctor, scientist or lawyer. Something "smart."

When I asked Jared why, if he had so much potential, he isn't one of those things, he gave this answer:

"I discovered pussy when I was 19. If I had been gay, I'd be rich by now."

This is why, dear readers, I am not married to someone rich and talented. Instead, I'm married to a horny guy.

More sex dreams

This one was inspired by teh fact that we're staying at my sister's house for the holiday weekend, sleeping on an air mattress in their living room.

Jared: Last night I dreamed that we were having sex in your sister's living room, and she came out and saw us, and was in her bathrobe and had a pen and paper and was critiquing our moves. And then I just decided to ignore her and keep going.

We may not be the best house guests, if this were to be true.

Chipotle

Me: I can't go to Chipotle if mom cooked for us. It'll hurt her feelings.
Jared: you're not the woman I married. I don't even know you anymore. We're getting a divorce.