Chipotle

Me: I can't go to Chipotle if mom cooked for us. It'll hurt her feelings.
Jared: you're not the woman I married. I don't even know you anymore. We're getting a divorce.

magic dicks

jared, reading from failbook: "the way to make women happy is to have a dick made out of chocolate and that ejaculates money"
me: thats not really me
jared: no, with you id have to have a dick made from a Chipotle burrito and that ejaculates free spay and neuter coupons


at least he knows me well.