Adjectives and fishing

Me: are you happy with my body?
Jared: I guess
Me: I'm not too big for you?
Jared: I've done bigger
Me: thanks. I mean, you're happy with my size and how I look
Jared: why are you asking me this?
Me: bc I'm fishing
Jared: don't fish. You already caught me (that's his attempt at being sweet)
Me: I'm fishing for compliments
Jared: every time I grab your butt, that's a compliment
Me: I want words with adjectives
Jared: I like your buttly butt
Me: that's dumb
Jared: you're womanly. I like that. You're not rail thin
Me: voluptuous?
Jared: that's just a nice word for fat
Me: I am fat
Jared: you're not fat. Youre obese
Me: ...
Jared: what? That's an adjective
Me: (moves to kick him with my unshaven leg. He rubs my leg)
Jared: ugh! Ok you're hairy. Hairy is an adjective.

Two Mehgans

Me, licking the cake batter off the beater: God this stuff is so good that I'm wearing it. It's all over my shirt.
Jared: Nice going, fatty. You know, when I said I wanted to be with two women, I didn't want you to be both of them.

Fat with a P

Jared, after I took off my shirt, in a "ghetto" sort of voice: Girl you fat.
 Me: What???
Jared: Naw baby, fat with a P. I aint gonna cut cha down when I'm trying to get all up in dem guts tonight.


I had to remind him the proper wording is "fat with a PH". But still, this is how he hits on me now.

Chub rub fires

I recently bought a pair of cutoff jean shorts, and they get those strings hanging from the bottoms of the legs. Jared did the nice thing and offered to cut them off for me.

Jared: here, let me cut those strings off. It's like kindling for a chub rub fire.
Me: what an asshole you are!
Jared: not the nicest thing to say to a guy with scissors by your crotch.

My husband, always concerned with being nice.

dead souls

jared: if we ever have a kid, lets never let him be "the fat kid" or "the smelly kid". i just saw a woman who had 3 boys that were both and she looked like her soul was dead.

cake

jared: hell hath no fury like mehgan when you get between her and cake.

dick.