Veterinary medicine

Me: Sheila is coughing a lot today. I don't know if it's kennel cough or if she has something stuck in her throat.
Jared: It may have been that string she was chewing on. Give her a big scoop of peanut butter and if it is something stuck in her throat, the peanut butter will catch it and she'll swallow it. Then give her some milk so it will dissolve.
Me: Ok, I'll try it.
Jared: I'm like the MacGuyver of veterinary medicine.

Sheila

That's her typical destruction in the background

Our dog Sheila is special, and not the kind you brag about to your friends. Jared seems to think there's something mentally wrong with her, which I don't disagree with. In fact, this is what he has to say about it:

"I'm not saying Sheila is bipolar, but if she had poles, there'd be two of them."

Dominated.

Our dog Sheila is nuts. We have to deal with her craziness on a daily basis. Jared, in an effort to "dominate" her today, held her down with his right arm (he's left-handed) and said this:

Jared: That's right. Dominated. With one arm. And it's not even my strong arm! I jerk off with my left hand! HAHAHAHA (<--that woudl be an evil laugh).

Then, later on, while talking to Sheila:
Jared: I've had shits with bigger IQs than you, Sheila. Recently.

As I type this, he's in the bedroom calling for her, and saying "Hey dummy!" to see if she'll answer.

Oh, my family. This is my family.