Extreme hotness.

This is an oldie but a goodie. Most of the time that Jared talks in his sleep, his eyes are open and he appears as though he's awake because he's talking quite well and, well, he's looking dead at me. So sometimes i don't realize that he's actually talking in his sleep. 

Jared, opening his eyes at my entrance to the bedroom: I'm trying to figure out who you are
Me: who else would it be?
Jared: 15 hotties
Me: anyone in particular?
Jared: 15 lookalikes
.Me: what would you do if there were 15 people who looked like me?
Jared: I'd do them
Me: where would you start?
Jared: I'd do them alphabetically starting in the middle. I'd start with the N's and would work my way back to the A's.

 Well at least I know he wants me and only me! 

 Also shown by this sleep-talking conversation:

Jared: go away. You're too hot.
Me: hot?
Jared: hot as in sexy. Too sexy. I might attack you. Too sexy.
Me: how am I too sexy?
Jared: standing by that red bull display. Too sexy. Sexy. 

 Redbull not only gives people wings, but it also gives them extreme sexiness.

What Jared really thinks about me

Jared: there are too many dirt bikes in this store
me: one can never have enough dirt bikes.
Jared: who asked you?
me: how many are there?
Jared: like 12.                                                                                                                                             Me: I need one. Mine are broken
Jared: that's bc you're a goddamn moe-ron
Me: I think I'm quite smart
Jared: nobody asked you
me: so can I borrow one?
Jared: no
me: why not?
Jared: bc you're a goddamn moe-ron

 And then he put his hand on my boob and left it there.

Loud farts

Jared is a sleep talker. And he is very vocal when he gets started. I like to engage him, mostly to see what sorts of gems will come about. This was a couple months ago but I just stumbled upon it on his Facebook wall, where I usually post them so he and the rest of his friends list will know what I get to live with. So enjoy this one.

Jared: I gotta check the ticket stubs.
Me: for what?
Jared: Woodstock.
Me: are we going to Woodstock?
Jared: yes.
.Me: who's playing?
Jared: Steve carrell.
Me: he plays music now?
Jared: yes.
Me: do you like his music?
Jared: baby I'm just fucking with you.
Me: why?
Jared: (loud fart). That's why.

My nickname

People often wonder why Jared calls me "Big Pig." The truth is, I LOVE that nickname and it makes my heart glad whenever he calls me that. Mostly b/c it's the first time he really expressed that he loved me, and he didn't even realize he did it.

What do I mean? Read on.

One night, after we'd been dating just a couple months, he was sleeping at my house. He sleep talks quite often, but I didn't know that yet. Well, I was up late one night reading, and he rolled over, slapped my ass as hard as he could, and then this happened:

Jared: I love you, big pig.
Me: what?
Jared: I love you, big big.
Me: are you even awake?
Jared: yea! See? *loud fart*

I was immediately appalled and thought "Does he really think I'm a fat ass?" And then my brain went to "Wow, he loves me???" I asked him about it the next day and he doesn't, and still doesn't to this day, remember. But the nickname stuck and I love it so much.

It may seem like he's verbally abusive, just from what I've posted about him so far, but honestly, he's so ri-fricken-diculously in love with me that it's crazy sometimes. So yeah, he's not mean. Just goofy. And I don't mind. :)