More inner disappointment

Jared: I had a dream last night that we went out to eat and you told the waitress "we don't have a lot of money but we have a better tip for you" and then you started making out with her at the table.
Me: what's with these dreams you have where I'm a lesbian?
Jared: what's with these dreams I have where I don't do anything about it?

Not the right response

Jared: I had another weird dream last night. I dreamt that I came home and caught you hooking up with a chick in our bed and I was like "Oh, my bad" and closed the door and went and slept in the living room. There should be one of two responses to that: get pissed or join in. Not "Oh my bad" and walk away!

Me: You're a homo.

Then the other day:
Jared: I had a dream last night where one of my exes came to the house to sell you some Mary Kay, and you decided to kill her and hide her body. And you nonchalantly brought it up over dinner like it was no big deal.

Yep, bitches better step.

More sex dreams

This one was inspired by teh fact that we're staying at my sister's house for the holiday weekend, sleeping on an air mattress in their living room.

Jared: Last night I dreamed that we were having sex in your sister's living room, and she came out and saw us, and was in her bathrobe and had a pen and paper and was critiquing our moves. And then I just decided to ignore her and keep going.

We may not be the best house guests, if this were to be true.

Jared's BFF

Jared: last night I dreamed we were having sex. Like really really good sex. And Adam called. I ignored it but he kept calling and calling. I finally answered and he said "dude, I know you're having sex right now, but I just wanted to say you're doing a good job."
The sad thing is, this could actually happen. Jared and Adam are like that.

Crap dreams

Jared: I had a dream last night that you needed to poop so badly that you made me leave the house and then check in on Facebook wherever I was to prove I was far enough away from the house and then you pooped and got stuck on the toilet and I had to come rescue you. But then you got mad that it took me so long to get home. That was actually a pretty plausible dream. Like that could happen.  I don't wanna dream stuff that could be real one day. I wanna dream stuff like Sheila becomes Senator or something.