Sheila the carpet muncher

Me: Sheila! Stop licking the carpet!
Jared (in the "Sheila voice"): "but it's good carpet. My compliments to the contractor."
Then...
Jared: I wonder if we can get her Scotch Guard flavored milk bones

Numb3rs

Ah, Jew-fro

While watching the show "Numb3rs":
Jared, after undressing: Do you mind if I pause it?
Me: Why?
Jared: Because I'm gonna jerk off right here in the hamper and I don't want Charlie to see. His Jew-fro just does nothing for me. What the fuck do you think I'm gonna do? I'm gonna go shower!

Then he called Sheila a perv for sniffing his ass and told her she was too young for that.

The Bowel Movement

Jared: so you've got the Tea Party Movement, and now you've got the Coffee Movement. I'm starting a new movement: the Bowel Movement. Because they're all full of shit. That's my political affiliation now.

Then, to Sheila:
Jared: would you be our mascot, Sheila? You like poop. (In the "Sheila voice") "I like poop!"

Dirty Dancing

I'm watching the end scene of Dirty Dancing and Jared is singing the "time of my life" song to our dog Sheila and trying to get her to dance. I tried getting it on video but he'd already stopped. I still tried recording and this happened:

Jared: What? You think it's gonna happen again? I only know the first verse.

Me: why do you know the song at all?

Jared: it used to be my ringtone.

Manly.

Crap dreams

Jared: I had a dream last night that you needed to poop so badly that you made me leave the house and then check in on Facebook wherever I was to prove I was far enough away from the house and then you pooped and got stuck on the toilet and I had to come rescue you. But then you got mad that it took me so long to get home. That was actually a pretty plausible dream. Like that could happen.  I don't wanna dream stuff that could be real one day. I wanna dream stuff like Sheila becomes Senator or something.

The in thing to do

Our text conversation:
Jared: it started raining and Sheila tried to run under my truck when it started instead of coming inside.
Me: she's losing her street smarts.
Jared: Sheila never had street smarts. Maybe she can take coming in out of the rain back to St. Olaf one day
Me: I love you bc you quoted Golden Girls to me
Jared: it turned you on, didn't it, weirdo? 

More about beatings

Jared: if I were an abusive husband, id beat Sheila to show you what could happen to you. Oh, Mehgan  burned dinner again? Time to cut off Sheila's tail. Oh wait, for her to be able to burn dinner, she has to cook. (From the other room now:) do I have to come to the other room to see the dirty look you're giving me?

Yes. Yes he had to.

Veterinary medicine

Me: Sheila is coughing a lot today. I don't know if it's kennel cough or if she has something stuck in her throat.
Jared: It may have been that string she was chewing on. Give her a big scoop of peanut butter and if it is something stuck in her throat, the peanut butter will catch it and she'll swallow it. Then give her some milk so it will dissolve.
Me: Ok, I'll try it.
Jared: I'm like the MacGuyver of veterinary medicine.

Sheila

That's her typical destruction in the background

Our dog Sheila is special, and not the kind you brag about to your friends. Jared seems to think there's something mentally wrong with her, which I don't disagree with. In fact, this is what he has to say about it:

"I'm not saying Sheila is bipolar, but if she had poles, there'd be two of them."

Dominated.

Our dog Sheila is nuts. We have to deal with her craziness on a daily basis. Jared, in an effort to "dominate" her today, held her down with his right arm (he's left-handed) and said this:

Jared: That's right. Dominated. With one arm. And it's not even my strong arm! I jerk off with my left hand! HAHAHAHA (<--that woudl be an evil laugh).

Then, later on, while talking to Sheila:
Jared: I've had shits with bigger IQs than you, Sheila. Recently.

As I type this, he's in the bedroom calling for her, and saying "Hey dummy!" to see if she'll answer.

Oh, my family. This is my family.