Flaws in logic and ass

Me: Why in the hell would you not take the food out of the pan before you rinsed it? You can't put water over food and just let it sit there.
Jared: I cleaned it up!
Me: Just putting water in it isn't cleaning it up. Do you not see the flaws in your logic here?
Jared: Do you want to talk about flaws in my logic? B/c I can talk about the flaws in your ass!
Me: I'm just saying to take the food out of the pan before rinsing the pan out!
Jared: 847 dimples! And 43 pimples! And I have to look at it! ALL WHILE TRYING TO MAINTAIN AN ERECTION!

Ouch.

Beat em down, pick em up

Jared: my dick wouldn't get soft if your vagina was as moist as those cookies you've made. See what I did there? I insulted you sexually while also complimenting your cooking. Beat em down, pick em up.
Fyi, dear readers, this was said in the kitchen while unloading groceries. It was not said in the context you may be thinking.

Bacon out

Me, after a kiss from jared: ew, your breath smells like bacon
Jared: its hot, right? Manly.
(Jared comes in for a big kiss, mouth wide open)
Jared, after being smacked by me: what? I thought we were bacon out!

Boredom activities

Jared: historically, I do 3 things when I'm bored: smoke, jerk off, and eat. Since I don't smoke anymore, I'm doing a lot more of the other two.