God's sense of humor

On a conversation about people asking us when we're having kids:

Me: I just tell people we're leaving it up to God.
Jared: I don't know, that guy can be kind of a prick. Not sure about babies? Here are some triplets! All girls!! All lesbians!
Me: At least we wouldn't have to pay for any weddings.
Jared: Yea but with our luck, we'd have one bull-dyke, one tomboy, and one lipstick lesbian. Money's going somewhere. 

The Burden of the Wedding Ring

We got married today (well, yesterday...it's technically "the day after" but I'm still up reliving the moment!). Jared is still getting used to his wedding ring, which of course is worn on his left hand. He's a lefty, remember?  Well, he was analyzing his "activities" with his ring today, including tapping it on his beer bottle as a sign of applause, punching bitches, opening beer bottles, lifting the boxes at work, and, well...you'll see.

Jared: You know the only thing I think I won't like with this ring? Jerking off. It's gonna get in the way. It's gonna feel weird with a ring touching my dick.

My response?
Me: Go get me the computer so I can update the blog, please.

I'm a lucky bride.

Artistic Ability.

In planning for our wedding, I somehow thought it a good idea to DIY (or "do it yourself" for non-message-board-fanatics) a bunch of things. I've also decided to do little projects that are ridiculously easy (or so they look). But I've found that I have no artistic ability whatsoever. I turned to Jared for support, and ever the encouraging husband (to be), he had a suggestion for me.

Me: I've always thought that every person in the world had even a little artistic ability, some sort of little talent. But I've found that I have none whatsoever.
Jared: Maybe you can fart music.
Me: I've never considered it.
Jared: Maybe you can fart pitch-perfect showtunes.
Me: I've never tried it.
Jared: Maybe you should look into it.

Pending. Or not. Girls don't fart.

new years quips

drunk jared: all of the racists are in my family. at the wedding, im putting raisins under their chairs.
me: why?
drunk jared: i dont know. it works.

Honeymoon Abortions.

This comes from a conversation we were having about our upcoming wedding. I was crunching numbers in my head about how much we (mostly I) have spent so far on the wedding.  I've bought a lot of things, such as little things that really don't matter in the grand scheme of our wedding, and he's paid for some, like half of the venue cost, the deposit on our honeymoon, the invitations. The big things, he says. Things that do matter.  But I've probably still taken care of most of it. He said he's paid a good bit of it, and I refuted it. And this is what came about.

Me: You haven't exactly paid much for this wedding so far.
Jared: Fine, I'll pay to abort our honeymoon baby.
Me: .....
Jared: I'm a horrible human being.

 Hey, at least he knows.