Christmas presents

Me: I think we should make Christmas presents this year to save money
Jared: I've got Christmas covered this year. We give everyone fake sonogram pictures and then the next month, we will tell them we had a miscarriage.
Me: (utter disbelief)
Jared: are you in?
Me: you're a terrible person.
Jared: that's not a no.

Low self-esteem

Jared: you know why I really wanna have a kid, right? Because in 2 to 3 years, your self-esteem will be at an all-time low and you'll be more open to a threesome.
Me: what the hell???
Jared: that's what all this is about
Me: it's impossible for me to have low self-esteem anyway.
Jared: that's why we have to have a kid. We have to wreck your beautiful body in order for it to happen.

Post business travel

Jared: I haven't seen you in a week. If you get pregnant and it's a girl, we're naming her Marina.
Me: why Marina?
Jared: because the hotel I stayed at this week was on Marina Mile Road. We can't very well name her Ramada.

Skydiving daredevils

Jared: I had a dream last night that we had sex while skydiving and you got pregnant from it. You named our son Jump but you'd never tell him why...

Work bonuses are actually a bonus

Another oldie that I came across.

This was actually a text conversation we had, but we basically sent the first two texts at the same time (we're such soul mates like that). And I had just taken a pregnancy test. Because, well, sometimes I worry.

Me: I'm not pregnant
Jared: I'm getting a bonus on my next check.
Jared: And now I don't have to spend it on an abortion!