Words with Friends moves

This came almost immediately after I resigned our game when he finally played after 6 days:

Jared, on another game: I can spell "youth" if I had somewhere to put it.
Me: It'll just take you 6 days to put it somewhere though.
Jared: Much like you with my penis?

Then, 1 minute later:
Jared: You missed me, didn't you?
Me: Go back to Louisiana.

Big differences

Me: Jam is not the same as jelly.
Jared: Good job, Einstein. That's why they're called something different. Hey, did you know that penis is different from vagina?

Beat em down, pick em up

Jared: my dick wouldn't get soft if your vagina was as moist as those cookies you've made. See what I did there? I insulted you sexually while also complimenting your cooking. Beat em down, pick em up.
Fyi, dear readers, this was said in the kitchen while unloading groceries. It was not said in the context you may be thinking.

magic dicks

jared, reading from failbook: "the way to make women happy is to have a dick made out of chocolate and that ejaculates money"
me: thats not really me
jared: no, with you id have to have a dick made from a Chipotle burrito and that ejaculates free spay and neuter coupons


at least he knows me well.

gulli-calf

Jared: you're the most gullible person i know. 'Mehgan, of course my dick is 10 inches. you've just been using the wrong rulers. you have to stop buying your measuring tools at Dollar Tree.' It's almost like I had to marry you so that no one else would take your innocence away.
Me: I haven't had innocence since I was 14.
Jared: Ok, fine. Your idiocy.

How big is your god?

Me: I saw a church sign today that said "How big is your God?" and I sent it to Wes. He wrote back "My god isn't too big, but he has girth"
Jared: Does Wes worship me?

Dirty shirts

Me: Look how dirty my shirt is.
Jared: Look how un-used my dick is!

Had that one coming, I guess!