Numb3rs

Ah, Jew-fro

While watching the show "Numb3rs":
Jared, after undressing: Do you mind if I pause it?
Me: Why?
Jared: Because I'm gonna jerk off right here in the hamper and I don't want Charlie to see. His Jew-fro just does nothing for me. What the fuck do you think I'm gonna do? I'm gonna go shower!

Then he called Sheila a perv for sniffing his ass and told her she was too young for that.

Hotel room beds

Jared is away on business this week, and he's staying in a hotel. He wanted a room with just one big bed, not two. But the plus to having two beds?

"I can use one bed for sleeping and one bed for jerking off."

Good thing he ended up getting a room with one big bed. Still, those poor maids.

Boredom activities

Jared: historically, I do 3 things when I'm bored: smoke, jerk off, and eat. Since I don't smoke anymore, I'm doing a lot more of the other two.

The Burden of the Wedding Ring

We got married today (well, yesterday...it's technically "the day after" but I'm still up reliving the moment!). Jared is still getting used to his wedding ring, which of course is worn on his left hand. He's a lefty, remember?  Well, he was analyzing his "activities" with his ring today, including tapping it on his beer bottle as a sign of applause, punching bitches, opening beer bottles, lifting the boxes at work, and, well...you'll see.

Jared: You know the only thing I think I won't like with this ring? Jerking off. It's gonna get in the way. It's gonna feel weird with a ring touching my dick.

My response?
Me: Go get me the computer so I can update the blog, please.

I'm a lucky bride.

Dominated.

Our dog Sheila is nuts. We have to deal with her craziness on a daily basis. Jared, in an effort to "dominate" her today, held her down with his right arm (he's left-handed) and said this:

Jared: That's right. Dominated. With one arm. And it's not even my strong arm! I jerk off with my left hand! HAHAHAHA (<--that woudl be an evil laugh).

Then, later on, while talking to Sheila:
Jared: I've had shits with bigger IQs than you, Sheila. Recently.

As I type this, he's in the bedroom calling for her, and saying "Hey dummy!" to see if she'll answer.

Oh, my family. This is my family.