Low self-esteem

Jared: you know why I really wanna have a kid, right? Because in 2 to 3 years, your self-esteem will be at an all-time low and you'll be more open to a threesome.
Me: what the hell???
Jared: that's what all this is about
Me: it's impossible for me to have low self-esteem anyway.
Jared: that's why we have to have a kid. We have to wreck your beautiful body in order for it to happen.

Post business travel

Jared: I haven't seen you in a week. If you get pregnant and it's a girl, we're naming her Marina.
Me: why Marina?
Jared: because the hotel I stayed at this week was on Marina Mile Road. We can't very well name her Ramada.

Accu-pedo

Jared: I don't like this pedometer app I downloaded. It's called Accu-Pedo. "This pedophile is spot on! He knows exactly where those kids are!" I much prefer a pedophile that wasn't so accurate.

Skydiving daredevils

Jared: I had a dream last night that we had sex while skydiving and you got pregnant from it. You named our son Jump but you'd never tell him why...

amelia bedelia cash

in talking about our future hypothetical children's names:

jared: we'll name her amelia bedelia cash. so she'll be ABC and in college, she'll be strung out on drugs and resort to prostitution and her pimp will call her The Alphabet Ho and that's how she'll pay for college
me:we're not gonna pay for her college?
jared: no we will but she's gonna use it all for drugs

im glad he has such high hopes for our future possible daughter

dead souls

jared: if we ever have a kid, lets never let him be "the fat kid" or "the smelly kid". i just saw a woman who had 3 boys that were both and she looked like her soul was dead.