Dust fairies

Jared: have you ever noticed that our house never gets dusty?
Me: what do you mean?
Jared: like for some reason I never see dust on anything. Not on the tv or the fan or the bookshelves. Our house doesn't produce dust.

Can you tell who cleans more often? And to him it's more logical that a house is incapable of producing dust than to think that maybe his wife cleans a lot.

Some random Mehgan and Jared conversations

Oh you can only guess the rest of the conversations.
In this you'll see what stores get Jared going, his attempt at sweetness, and insults that would make any normal wife go to a divorce lawyer.

Also, Jared is really hoping he was conceived to "the heat of the moment" by Asia. His dad couldn't confirm it but told him it was the song if he wanted it to be. What kid wonders these things?

No insecurities here

Jared (after watching me get undressed): sigh. We both have to do something. We are not the same
Me: do I look bad?
Jared: no but we both have put on too much weight
Me: im not ugly, am I? You still love me right?
Jared: no you're not ugly. You look decent.
Me: decent is code for fat
Jared: no, fat means fat. I said decent. But you do have dimples in your back
Me: oh my god, what??? (runs to mirror)
Jared (laughing): ha I love watching you squirm.
Me: yea well now I'm not gonna be squirming under you any time soon
Jared: you can be on top
Me: I'm not gonna squirm on top of you either
Jared: thats not what you said!

Mehgan clones

Jared: if I had known you were gonna be this difficult, I wouldn't have dated you. One day I'm gonna clone you, and imgonna make you live with you for an hour. And you will kill you.
Me: how will you know which one would be left?
Jared: it doesn't matter! It'll be a win-win! You'll be dead, but I'll still have you!

Chocolate Oreo waffles

Jared: if you die, I will make gay marriage legal, just in the off chance I can find the guy who invented this and make him my bride.

Waisted wastes

Me, after throwing sunflower seed shells down a storm drain: don't do that! It's littering!
Jared: no, it's waste. Those are made for waste. Only your waist wouldn't fit down there
Me: what the hell!
Jared: just kidding. It's your hips that's the problem.

Cotton candy and death

Jared: I kinda hope I die in my sleep tonight
Me: why?
Jared: bc if the police take my computer to try to figure out why I died, they'll see the last thing I was looking at was at-home cotton candy machines. They'll be so confused!!

Rosa Parks

Jared: I love only two things more than you. My grandmother's chicken and dumplings and Rosa Parks.
Me: why Rosa Parks?
Jared: bc if it wasn't for her, Outkast wouldn't have been able to make their best song.

Brains

Jared: why do I have "if I only had a brain" in my head?
Me: bc it's your mantra.
Jared: har har.
Me: I thought it was good
Jared: maybe it should be called "my wife is such a pain". "oh life would be sweeter if I didn't have to beat her. Oh my wife is such a pain" (whistles)

Sheila the carpet muncher

Me: Sheila! Stop licking the carpet!
Jared (in the "Sheila voice"): "but it's good carpet. My compliments to the contractor."
Then...
Jared: I wonder if we can get her Scotch Guard flavored milk bones

Last words

After watching an episode of "how I met your mother" about someone's last words:

Jared: I want my last words to you to be epic. Something like "take your time coming home from work. I shit on the carpet and I want to have it clean before you get home. It's disgusting. Here's a pic".

He would.

Vampire Jared

Jared: I've gotta go get some tape to tape the curtain to the wall
Me: oh my god Jared, it won't kill you to have a little light shine in when you sleep.
Jared: it will if I'm a vampire.

Baby names part 2

Jared: I still like the name Finn
Me: it's actually lost its appeal to me. I'm hearing it too much.
Jared: fine, we will name our kid Four Two Eight.
Me: why?
Jared: you ever meet a kid named Four Two Eight? He'll be the only one. Or Queef Breath. Yea, Queef Breath. Or Dinglenuts. Dinglenuts Cash. He'll never be made fun of. He'll be a tough son of a bitch by the time he's 3.

FYI, we are watching a show where a couple is pregnant. We are NOT expecting. We just have these conversations.

Name meanings

Me: that's one thing you'll never hear me say. "I named my child xyz. It means 'this'". Bc you're never going to introduce the child for the rest of its life with the name meaning following it. It's stupid.
Jared: "I named my child Bob. It means 'floats in water.'"

Poop fighting

Following an argument we had this morning via text:

Me: I'm sorry I got so mad at you this morning
Jared: it's ok. But you know what really bothered me about it? You were yelling at me through text while I was trying to poop. And it was my morning poop. You know how much I enjoy my morning poop. Please don't make me fight with you while I'm pooping.
Me: ok then.