Waisted wastes

Me, after throwing sunflower seed shells down a storm drain: don't do that! It's littering!
Jared: no, it's waste. Those are made for waste. Only your waist wouldn't fit down there
Me: what the hell!
Jared: just kidding. It's your hips that's the problem.

Cotton candy and death

Jared: I kinda hope I die in my sleep tonight
Me: why?
Jared: bc if the police take my computer to try to figure out why I died, they'll see the last thing I was looking at was at-home cotton candy machines. They'll be so confused!!

Rosa Parks

Jared: I love only two things more than you. My grandmother's chicken and dumplings and Rosa Parks.
Me: why Rosa Parks?
Jared: bc if it wasn't for her, Outkast wouldn't have been able to make their best song.

Brains

Jared: why do I have "if I only had a brain" in my head?
Me: bc it's your mantra.
Jared: har har.
Me: I thought it was good
Jared: maybe it should be called "my wife is such a pain". "oh life would be sweeter if I didn't have to beat her. Oh my wife is such a pain" (whistles)

Sheila the carpet muncher

Me: Sheila! Stop licking the carpet!
Jared (in the "Sheila voice"): "but it's good carpet. My compliments to the contractor."
Then...
Jared: I wonder if we can get her Scotch Guard flavored milk bones

Last words

After watching an episode of "how I met your mother" about someone's last words:

Jared: I want my last words to you to be epic. Something like "take your time coming home from work. I shit on the carpet and I want to have it clean before you get home. It's disgusting. Here's a pic".

He would.

Vampire Jared

Jared: I've gotta go get some tape to tape the curtain to the wall
Me: oh my god Jared, it won't kill you to have a little light shine in when you sleep.
Jared: it will if I'm a vampire.