Better dinners

Jared: why are my clothes on the floor?
Me: because I've learned you'll put them up if I throw them on the floor.
Jared: and I've learned that if I hit you, you'll cook better dinners. There. We're both learning things.

Beat em down, pick em up

Jared: my dick wouldn't get soft if your vagina was as moist as those cookies you've made. See what I did there? I insulted you sexually while also complimenting your cooking. Beat em down, pick em up.
Fyi, dear readers, this was said in the kitchen while unloading groceries. It was not said in the context you may be thinking.

More about beatings

Jared: if I were an abusive husband, id beat Sheila to show you what could happen to you. Oh, Mehgan  burned dinner again? Time to cut off Sheila's tail. Oh wait, for her to be able to burn dinner, she has to cook. (From the other room now:) do I have to come to the other room to see the dirty look you're giving me?

Yes. Yes he had to.