Two Mehgans

Me, licking the cake batter off the beater: God this stuff is so good that I'm wearing it. It's all over my shirt.
Jared: Nice going, fatty. You know, when I said I wanted to be with two women, I didn't want you to be both of them.

Fat with a P

Jared, after I took off my shirt, in a "ghetto" sort of voice: Girl you fat.
 Me: What???
Jared: Naw baby, fat with a P. I aint gonna cut cha down when I'm trying to get all up in dem guts tonight.


I had to remind him the proper wording is "fat with a PH". But still, this is how he hits on me now.

Dirty shirts

Me: Look how dirty my shirt is.
Jared: Look how un-used my dick is!

Had that one coming, I guess!