Southern politics

Me: mike huckabee's parents are listed as "conservative southern democrats"
Jared: so they're...black?

The Bowel Movement

Jared: so you've got the Tea Party Movement, and now you've got the Coffee Movement. I'm starting a new movement: the Bowel Movement. Because they're all full of shit. That's my political affiliation now.

Then, to Sheila:
Jared: would you be our mascot, Sheila? You like poop. (In the "Sheila voice") "I like poop!"

blow job politics

jared: you know, im still very pro blow job.
me: and im still very anti blow job.
jared: i thought you were more middle of the road?
me: blow jobs arent politics.
jared: it is if you want to be re-elected as wife.