Snickering

Me: I was in the shower and the conditoner bottle fell on my head!
Jared: I heard you yell out. I thought you fell or something.
Me: Well thanks for coming to my rescue!
Jared: Oh you were cussing so I knew you were ok. All i could think of though was "Keep watching the show. Don't laugh. She can't hear you talk from up there but she will sure as shit hear you snicker."

Something in common

Me: we have nothing in common
Jared: yes we do. We have stuff that matters in common
Me: like what?
Jared: (ridiculously loud ass-blowing fart)
Me: (annoyed and disgusted look)
Jared: you don't find farts funny? I thought we'd have that in common at least.

I'm a giant pile of goop

Jared is talking in his sleep right now. 
Jared: you're gonna have a lot of explaining to do at your next job. 
Me: why's that?
Jared: you're gonna have to explain some stuff to the people in charge. 
Me: what will I have to explain?
Jared: you're gonna have to explain to them why you turned into a giant pile of goop. 
Me: why'd I turn into goop?
Jared: I don't know but you'll have to explain why you're a pile of goop. 

Numb3rs

Ah, Jew-fro

While watching the show "Numb3rs":
Jared, after undressing: Do you mind if I pause it?
Me: Why?
Jared: Because I'm gonna jerk off right here in the hamper and I don't want Charlie to see. His Jew-fro just does nothing for me. What the fuck do you think I'm gonna do? I'm gonna go shower!

Then he called Sheila a perv for sniffing his ass and told her she was too young for that.

Low self-esteem

Jared: you know why I really wanna have a kid, right? Because in 2 to 3 years, your self-esteem will be at an all-time low and you'll be more open to a threesome.
Me: what the hell???
Jared: that's what all this is about
Me: it's impossible for me to have low self-esteem anyway.
Jared: that's why we have to have a kid. We have to wreck your beautiful body in order for it to happen.

Mehgan Math

Me: I found out that to get a group rate on a cruise, we'd need to book at least 8 rooms.
Jared: So we need 16 couples?
Me: ....? No, we need 8 couples.
Jared: Oh crap. That makes sense. Sorry, I was doing Mehgan Math.

I couldn't argue with him there.

Big differences

Me: Jam is not the same as jelly.
Jared: Good job, Einstein. That's why they're called something different. Hey, did you know that penis is different from vagina?

Fat with a P

Jared, after I took off my shirt, in a "ghetto" sort of voice: Girl you fat.
 Me: What???
Jared: Naw baby, fat with a P. I aint gonna cut cha down when I'm trying to get all up in dem guts tonight.


I had to remind him the proper wording is "fat with a PH". But still, this is how he hits on me now.

Better dinners

Jared: why are my clothes on the floor?
Me: because I've learned you'll put them up if I throw them on the floor.
Jared: and I've learned that if I hit you, you'll cook better dinners. There. We're both learning things.

Jared the gamer

Jared got a new computer game tonight called "Civilizations" or some such crap. Here are some random lines that he's spouted off throughout playing the game.

"I think I just declared war on a whale."
"I created the alphabet and want to trade it with someone for their mathematics. They said that wasn't enough. Yeah, good luck trying to do complex math without that X."
"Napolean Bonaparte is declaring war against me? Bring it on, you fucking midget."
"Is it sad that Ghengis Khan is my only ally?"
"How the fuck did someone else create Christianity? I'm not even finished creating Judaism just yet!! I guess Jesus really wasn't a Jew."

Such is the life of the wife of a gamer.

Sweet nothings

Got home from work today to find a note written on the bathroom mirror in dry erase marker. Jared does little things like this when he has to redeem himself or otherwise wants to look romantic. But, Jared being Jared, he puts his own spin on things. I'll let you people figure that out.

(you can clicky the picture to make it bigger)

Guy Harvey

In response to me putting on my new Guy Harvey shirt:
Jared: You look hot. You look like we should have sex on a fishing boat.

More inner disappointment

Jared: I had a dream last night that we went out to eat and you told the waitress "we don't have a lot of money but we have a better tip for you" and then you started making out with her at the table.
Me: what's with these dreams you have where I'm a lesbian?
Jared: what's with these dreams I have where I don't do anything about it?

Jared's thoughts on Miami

 This is a video from the Golden Girls episode where Rose and Dorothy made up a song about Miami for a contest. Jared, however, didn't agree with them. So he changed it up for them a bit.

Jared: Miami. Miami, you lack style. Murders and drug deals, lost weaves by the mile.

Post business travel

Jared: I haven't seen you in a week. If you get pregnant and it's a girl, we're naming her Marina.
Me: why Marina?
Jared: because the hotel I stayed at this week was on Marina Mile Road. We can't very well name her Ramada.