Waisted wastes

Me, after throwing sunflower seed shells down a storm drain: don't do that! It's littering!
Jared: no, it's waste. Those are made for waste. Only your waist wouldn't fit down there
Me: what the hell!
Jared: just kidding. It's your hips that's the problem.

Cotton candy and death

Jared: I kinda hope I die in my sleep tonight
Me: why?
Jared: bc if the police take my computer to try to figure out why I died, they'll see the last thing I was looking at was at-home cotton candy machines. They'll be so confused!!

Rosa Parks

Jared: I love only two things more than you. My grandmother's chicken and dumplings and Rosa Parks.
Me: why Rosa Parks?
Jared: bc if it wasn't for her, Outkast wouldn't have been able to make their best song.

Brains

Jared: why do I have "if I only had a brain" in my head?
Me: bc it's your mantra.
Jared: har har.
Me: I thought it was good
Jared: maybe it should be called "my wife is such a pain". "oh life would be sweeter if I didn't have to beat her. Oh my wife is such a pain" (whistles)

Sheila the carpet muncher

Me: Sheila! Stop licking the carpet!
Jared (in the "Sheila voice"): "but it's good carpet. My compliments to the contractor."
Then...
Jared: I wonder if we can get her Scotch Guard flavored milk bones

Last words

After watching an episode of "how I met your mother" about someone's last words:

Jared: I want my last words to you to be epic. Something like "take your time coming home from work. I shit on the carpet and I want to have it clean before you get home. It's disgusting. Here's a pic".

He would.

Vampire Jared

Jared: I've gotta go get some tape to tape the curtain to the wall
Me: oh my god Jared, it won't kill you to have a little light shine in when you sleep.
Jared: it will if I'm a vampire.

Baby names part 2

Jared: I still like the name Finn
Me: it's actually lost its appeal to me. I'm hearing it too much.
Jared: fine, we will name our kid Four Two Eight.
Me: why?
Jared: you ever meet a kid named Four Two Eight? He'll be the only one. Or Queef Breath. Yea, Queef Breath. Or Dinglenuts. Dinglenuts Cash. He'll never be made fun of. He'll be a tough son of a bitch by the time he's 3.

FYI, we are watching a show where a couple is pregnant. We are NOT expecting. We just have these conversations.

Name meanings

Me: that's one thing you'll never hear me say. "I named my child xyz. It means 'this'". Bc you're never going to introduce the child for the rest of its life with the name meaning following it. It's stupid.
Jared: "I named my child Bob. It means 'floats in water.'"

Poop fighting

Following an argument we had this morning via text:

Me: I'm sorry I got so mad at you this morning
Jared: it's ok. But you know what really bothered me about it? You were yelling at me through text while I was trying to poop. And it was my morning poop. You know how much I enjoy my morning poop. Please don't make me fight with you while I'm pooping.
Me: ok then.

An FYI and apology to readers

It's come to my attention that some readers, or at least one reader, has found some of the posts I've made regarding what my husband says as offensive and racist.

Obviously if I'm posting things that are shared between me and my husband, I'm bound to face some sort of criticism for what is said or even for the simple act of posting it at all.

However, just because I write an excerpt of a conversation does not mean that's the complete thought we have on the subject. So what's not seen is the constant lecturing my husband faces from me as a result of what has been said. Do I need to post those to show that my husband and I are NOT what some readers may see us as? Possibly, but that's not the point of the blog, which is supposed to be entertaining and comedic at best.

Yes, my husband is crude and obnoxious and seemingly abusive or racist, but I can tell you thats not at all what he is. The excerpts you see are a snippet of his at times terrible and sick sense of humour. What you're not reading though is my thoughts on a subject or even the fact that he realizes some of te stuff he has said is just downright wrong. Moreover, again, you're not seeing our discussions of why it's wrong in our opinions. And trust me when I say we live in the south and we both come from not the most open-minded background and families (some of those whom we choose to distance ourselves from simply bc of their offensive views)

In addition, being in the line of work I'm in, I witness stereotyping and racism almost daily on some level and I too am offended by that and make it a point to ignore it where necessary or discuss it if I'm able to with that person.

In a time where people find celebrities like Daniel Tosh to be entertaining, we should be able to separate joke from sincerity. He is able to make a living off of stereotyping and bashing groups of people and yet his ratings continue to soar. I'll admit my husband and I are a fan of his, but we are fans solely bc we CAN separate humor from sincerity. So we are able to recognize when things are said in jest. Considering, thiugh, that I am a white and straight female and my husband is a white and straight male, we have obviously not faced stereotyping or predjudice that others have and we are therefore not able to relate. But that does not mean that we should be classed in a group of people who are intolerable to others different from ourselves. It's simply not so.

Therefore, I apologize to that reader or even multiple readers who have become offended.

The apolgoy is directed at not only various races of people but also people who have gone through domestic abuse, weight issues, abortions, plastic surgery, poverty, or anything else that Jared has talked about that may offend a certain group. I may as well go ahead and say that includes myself, since I often am the butt of my husband's humor.

So with that, I will say that I will continue to post as I see fit and I will continue to censor certain things that my husband says, as I have done in the past, but will keep an open mind to the fact that my husband, and therefore I, will probably always offend someone in some way.

But I will ignore any labels or classifications that others decide to bestow upon us because what matters is that I know that my husband and I are good and decent people who share a few laughs together and decide to put it on the Internet.

Thank you,
Mehgan

Spider webs

After a discussion of how he's always wondering what I'll be pissed about:

Me: how do you not cower around me?
Jared: because I'm not scared of you. I'm not scared of anything but spider webs
Me: you're scared of spider webs???
Jared: yes. Not what's in the web. Just the webs. You get me in a spider web and I turn into a 3-year-old girl. They're the ickiest things around. Yes, I said icky.

Coining new terms

Jared: dick beard. That's the new term for "pubes". And you can call yours "the vag stache"

My. God.

Adjectives and fishing

Me: are you happy with my body?
Jared: I guess
Me: I'm not too big for you?
Jared: I've done bigger
Me: thanks. I mean, you're happy with my size and how I look
Jared: why are you asking me this?
Me: bc I'm fishing
Jared: don't fish. You already caught me (that's his attempt at being sweet)
Me: I'm fishing for compliments
Jared: every time I grab your butt, that's a compliment
Me: I want words with adjectives
Jared: I like your buttly butt
Me: that's dumb
Jared: you're womanly. I like that. You're not rail thin
Me: voluptuous?
Jared: that's just a nice word for fat
Me: I am fat
Jared: you're not fat. Youre obese
Me: ...
Jared: what? That's an adjective
Me: (moves to kick him with my unshaven leg. He rubs my leg)
Jared: ugh! Ok you're hairy. Hairy is an adjective.

Q Shapes

Me: Why do you keep taking showers before I even get home? What are you hiding?
Jared: Why are you so suspicious? You don't get suspicious when I shave a Q into my ass hairs, but showering makes you suspicious. A Q shape in my ass is suspicious!

I really had no idea what he was talking about....

Jared's first pube

Jared: I remember the day I first used a power saw. It was a religious experience.  I think it was also the day I got my first pube.

Flaws in logic and ass

Me: Why in the hell would you not take the food out of the pan before you rinsed it? You can't put water over food and just let it sit there.
Jared: I cleaned it up!
Me: Just putting water in it isn't cleaning it up. Do you not see the flaws in your logic here?
Jared: Do you want to talk about flaws in my logic? B/c I can talk about the flaws in your ass!
Me: I'm just saying to take the food out of the pan before rinsing the pan out!
Jared: 847 dimples! And 43 pimples! And I have to look at it! ALL WHILE TRYING TO MAINTAIN AN ERECTION!

Ouch.

Hot for Teacher

Me: When will teachers learn not to have sex with their students?
Jared: I don't know why they tell anyone! If I were still in high school and I was fucking one of my teachers, I wouldn't tell anyone! That'd be my most closely guarded secret. At least till years later, if I found out the statute of limitations was up, I'd start telling everyone. "See that hot teacher? Yeah, I fucked her all through high school!"

Two Mehgans

Me, licking the cake batter off the beater: God this stuff is so good that I'm wearing it. It's all over my shirt.
Jared: Nice going, fatty. You know, when I said I wanted to be with two women, I didn't want you to be both of them.

Christmas presents

Me: I think we should make Christmas presents this year to save money
Jared: I've got Christmas covered this year. We give everyone fake sonogram pictures and then the next month, we will tell them we had a miscarriage.
Me: (utter disbelief)
Jared: are you in?
Me: you're a terrible person.
Jared: that's not a no.

Chick-Fil-A ordering

Me, pulling up to the trash can thinking it's a drive thru: I always think this is where I'm supposed to order! It looks like the speaker box.
(Pulls up to the proper spot)
Chick-Fil-A girl: Hi, order when you're ready.
Jared: Hi, I'll take a smarter wife with a side order of rich please.

Words with Friends moves

This came almost immediately after I resigned our game when he finally played after 6 days:

Jared, on another game: I can spell "youth" if I had somewhere to put it.
Me: It'll just take you 6 days to put it somewhere though.
Jared: Much like you with my penis?

Then, 1 minute later:
Jared: You missed me, didn't you?
Me: Go back to Louisiana.

Southern politics

Me: mike huckabee's parents are listed as "conservative southern democrats"
Jared: so they're...black?

God's sense of humor

On a conversation about people asking us when we're having kids:

Me: I just tell people we're leaving it up to God.
Jared: I don't know, that guy can be kind of a prick. Not sure about babies? Here are some triplets! All girls!! All lesbians!
Me: At least we wouldn't have to pay for any weddings.
Jared: Yea but with our luck, we'd have one bull-dyke, one tomboy, and one lipstick lesbian. Money's going somewhere. 

Reunion postings

At our 10-year reunion:

Jared: I can't wait to meet the guy whose virginity you took.
Me: oh he's not coming
Jared: like he didn't in high school. Ooh!
Me: no unlike some people he didn't have that problem.
Jared: you probably didn't know what you were doing then either though.

And the night has just started.

Jared the hit man

Jared: I could be a hit man and kill people for money. Doing my taxes would be a bitch though. "sir, you make all your deposits in cash and you're trying to write off bullets as a business expense? Hm..."

Snickering

Me: I was in the shower and the conditoner bottle fell on my head!
Jared: I heard you yell out. I thought you fell or something.
Me: Well thanks for coming to my rescue!
Jared: Oh you were cussing so I knew you were ok. All i could think of though was "Keep watching the show. Don't laugh. She can't hear you talk from up there but she will sure as shit hear you snicker."

Something in common

Me: we have nothing in common
Jared: yes we do. We have stuff that matters in common
Me: like what?
Jared: (ridiculously loud ass-blowing fart)
Me: (annoyed and disgusted look)
Jared: you don't find farts funny? I thought we'd have that in common at least.

I'm a giant pile of goop

Jared is talking in his sleep right now. 
Jared: you're gonna have a lot of explaining to do at your next job. 
Me: why's that?
Jared: you're gonna have to explain some stuff to the people in charge. 
Me: what will I have to explain?
Jared: you're gonna have to explain to them why you turned into a giant pile of goop. 
Me: why'd I turn into goop?
Jared: I don't know but you'll have to explain why you're a pile of goop. 

Numb3rs

Ah, Jew-fro

While watching the show "Numb3rs":
Jared, after undressing: Do you mind if I pause it?
Me: Why?
Jared: Because I'm gonna jerk off right here in the hamper and I don't want Charlie to see. His Jew-fro just does nothing for me. What the fuck do you think I'm gonna do? I'm gonna go shower!

Then he called Sheila a perv for sniffing his ass and told her she was too young for that.

Low self-esteem

Jared: you know why I really wanna have a kid, right? Because in 2 to 3 years, your self-esteem will be at an all-time low and you'll be more open to a threesome.
Me: what the hell???
Jared: that's what all this is about
Me: it's impossible for me to have low self-esteem anyway.
Jared: that's why we have to have a kid. We have to wreck your beautiful body in order for it to happen.

Mehgan Math

Me: I found out that to get a group rate on a cruise, we'd need to book at least 8 rooms.
Jared: So we need 16 couples?
Me: ....? No, we need 8 couples.
Jared: Oh crap. That makes sense. Sorry, I was doing Mehgan Math.

I couldn't argue with him there.

Big differences

Me: Jam is not the same as jelly.
Jared: Good job, Einstein. That's why they're called something different. Hey, did you know that penis is different from vagina?

Fat with a P

Jared, after I took off my shirt, in a "ghetto" sort of voice: Girl you fat.
 Me: What???
Jared: Naw baby, fat with a P. I aint gonna cut cha down when I'm trying to get all up in dem guts tonight.


I had to remind him the proper wording is "fat with a PH". But still, this is how he hits on me now.

Better dinners

Jared: why are my clothes on the floor?
Me: because I've learned you'll put them up if I throw them on the floor.
Jared: and I've learned that if I hit you, you'll cook better dinners. There. We're both learning things.

Jared the gamer

Jared got a new computer game tonight called "Civilizations" or some such crap. Here are some random lines that he's spouted off throughout playing the game.

"I think I just declared war on a whale."
"I created the alphabet and want to trade it with someone for their mathematics. They said that wasn't enough. Yeah, good luck trying to do complex math without that X."
"Napolean Bonaparte is declaring war against me? Bring it on, you fucking midget."
"Is it sad that Ghengis Khan is my only ally?"
"How the fuck did someone else create Christianity? I'm not even finished creating Judaism just yet!! I guess Jesus really wasn't a Jew."

Such is the life of the wife of a gamer.

Sweet nothings

Got home from work today to find a note written on the bathroom mirror in dry erase marker. Jared does little things like this when he has to redeem himself or otherwise wants to look romantic. But, Jared being Jared, he puts his own spin on things. I'll let you people figure that out.

(you can clicky the picture to make it bigger)

Guy Harvey

In response to me putting on my new Guy Harvey shirt:
Jared: You look hot. You look like we should have sex on a fishing boat.

More inner disappointment

Jared: I had a dream last night that we went out to eat and you told the waitress "we don't have a lot of money but we have a better tip for you" and then you started making out with her at the table.
Me: what's with these dreams you have where I'm a lesbian?
Jared: what's with these dreams I have where I don't do anything about it?

Jared's thoughts on Miami

 This is a video from the Golden Girls episode where Rose and Dorothy made up a song about Miami for a contest. Jared, however, didn't agree with them. So he changed it up for them a bit.

Jared: Miami. Miami, you lack style. Murders and drug deals, lost weaves by the mile.

Post business travel

Jared: I haven't seen you in a week. If you get pregnant and it's a girl, we're naming her Marina.
Me: why Marina?
Jared: because the hotel I stayed at this week was on Marina Mile Road. We can't very well name her Ramada.

Hotel Pillows

Jared: I have 6 pillows on this bed
Me: you can use all of them.
Jared: I'm gonna put 75% of the covers on 2 of them and yell at them for farting and throw one all over the place telling it to calm down

He misses us, I promise.

Hotel room beds

Jared is away on business this week, and he's staying in a hotel. He wanted a room with just one big bed, not two. But the plus to having two beds?

"I can use one bed for sleeping and one bed for jerking off."

Good thing he ended up getting a room with one big bed. Still, those poor maids.

Chub rub fires

I recently bought a pair of cutoff jean shorts, and they get those strings hanging from the bottoms of the legs. Jared did the nice thing and offered to cut them off for me.

Jared: here, let me cut those strings off. It's like kindling for a chub rub fire.
Me: what an asshole you are!
Jared: not the nicest thing to say to a guy with scissors by your crotch.

My husband, always concerned with being nice.

69 and 31

Me: I taught a girl at work how to make change tonight. I showed her that every number out of a 100 has a pair to make 100. So like 54 pairs with 46, 98 pairs with 2, 31 pairs with 69, etc.
Jared: Now I know what I'm gonna get you for your birthday in 2 years. When you turn 31, I'm gonna say that "hey, you know what 31 pairs with? That's right."
Me: And you're gonna make me 69 for the entire year I'm 31?
Jared: No, actually I was gonna just say that night only but i like the way you think. And then when I turn 31, oh yeah!

These are birthday presents to look forward to, according to my husband.

Not the right response

Jared: I had another weird dream last night. I dreamt that I came home and caught you hooking up with a chick in our bed and I was like "Oh, my bad" and closed the door and went and slept in the living room. There should be one of two responses to that: get pissed or join in. Not "Oh my bad" and walk away!

Me: You're a homo.

Then the other day:
Jared: I had a dream last night where one of my exes came to the house to sell you some Mary Kay, and you decided to kill her and hide her body. And you nonchalantly brought it up over dinner like it was no big deal.

Yep, bitches better step.

Beat em down, pick em up

Jared: my dick wouldn't get soft if your vagina was as moist as those cookies you've made. See what I did there? I insulted you sexually while also complimenting your cooking. Beat em down, pick em up.
Fyi, dear readers, this was said in the kitchen while unloading groceries. It was not said in the context you may be thinking.

What turns jared on

Me (referring to our Words with Friends game): oh my God! Stop beating me!
Jared: you know, the more you say that, the more it turns me on.

Self-confidence

Jared: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at myself in the mirror.
Jared: Sigh.
Me: What? Wouldn't you rather have a wife who likes the way she looks?
Jared: No, I want a wife with no self-confidence who I can berate.

That wasn't said with sarcasm, either.

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Mehgan-ing someone

Me: "Jew" could be a verb
Jared: You're a verb. As in "I'll Mehgan the shit out of you."
Me: What's the definition?
Jared: Making someone eat a lot of cake.
Me: Why is my name the verb for that?
Jared: Because you make people eat lots of cake. Or better yet, "Mehgan: to force someone to eat something that they don't want." You do that a lot.

I do.

Shannon Elizabeth

Me: She's really big into animal rescue
Jared: She's really big in the chest department too. Yeah, I went there.

Not quite the same as rescuing animals, but it'll do.

Bacon out

Me, after a kiss from jared: ew, your breath smells like bacon
Jared: its hot, right? Manly.
(Jared comes in for a big kiss, mouth wide open)
Jared, after being smacked by me: what? I thought we were bacon out!

Boredom activities

Jared: historically, I do 3 things when I'm bored: smoke, jerk off, and eat. Since I don't smoke anymore, I'm doing a lot more of the other two.

A picture says a thousand words.

 

My husband made this picture using photo-editing software on my phone. I didn't know what he was doing with my phone until I saw this. How very true it is though. This picture was from our cruise honeymoon's formal night.

Jungle gyms

Jared: I always dated girls my height or taller. My record was 6'2" [jared is 5'4"].
Me: how'd that work out?
Jared: it was fun. It was like climbing a jungle gym
Me: what the hell did she see in you?
Jared: I'm the funny guy. Most girls want a funny guy. They just dont want him for long. I was ok with that. I didn't need them for long either. But I was easy to get rid of. Unlike hemrhoids, you can't just rub a cream on me and I'll go away.

Then later:
Jared: how many girls say they want a funny guy? They all say "I'm looking for a guy who's cute, funny and smart". I'm not handsome...I'm cute. But I'm funny first.

The Bowel Movement

Jared: so you've got the Tea Party Movement, and now you've got the Coffee Movement. I'm starting a new movement: the Bowel Movement. Because they're all full of shit. That's my political affiliation now.

Then, to Sheila:
Jared: would you be our mascot, Sheila? You like poop. (In the "Sheila voice") "I like poop!"

I think he's paranoid

Me: (typing something non-blog-related)
Jared: Are you updating the blog again? I didn't even say anything! I kind of have to fart though.
Me: (clicks to blog and updates)

Ass Fro

This came from a conversation about ass hair. My apologies.

Jared: I'm gonna start playing connect the dots with your acne. There. Now you feel self-conscious about it. Just like I feel self-conscious now about my ass fro. Oh I like that term. Ass fro. And I just made it up!

Accu-pedo

Jared: I don't like this pedometer app I downloaded. It's called Accu-Pedo. "This pedophile is spot on! He knows exactly where those kids are!" I much prefer a pedophile that wasn't so accurate.

Motor. Boat.

Me: You haven't complimented my rack all day. I think it looks quite nice today and you haven't said anything.
Jared: (responds by grabbing my boob)
Me: No, I want words. Words. Compliments!
Jared: Ok, you want words? I gotta word for you. It's called "motorboat" (begins to motorboat me). There. I told you some words, then I turned it into a verb. Words.

A minute later...
Jared: I didn't even get a boner from that. Man, I'm doing great!

Why Jared isn't a doctor

I saw a picture recently of when Jared was in 4th grade, standing in front of a science project board that said "Gum: Which flavor lasts the longest?" He said he came up with that project the night before it was due, and after the fair, he was told he was better and smarter than that. So the next year, in 5th grade, he set out to prove everyone right: he did his science project on hydrodynamics. At 10 years old, he came up with an elaborate science fair project that had everyone impressed and telling him he was going places, and even that his project was too advanced to be entered into the county science fair. Everyone told him he'll grow up to do great things: be a doctor, scientist or lawyer. Something "smart."

When I asked Jared why, if he had so much potential, he isn't one of those things, he gave this answer:

"I discovered pussy when I was 19. If I had been gay, I'd be rich by now."

This is why, dear readers, I am not married to someone rich and talented. Instead, I'm married to a horny guy.

More sex dreams

This one was inspired by teh fact that we're staying at my sister's house for the holiday weekend, sleeping on an air mattress in their living room.

Jared: Last night I dreamed that we were having sex in your sister's living room, and she came out and saw us, and was in her bathrobe and had a pen and paper and was critiquing our moves. And then I just decided to ignore her and keep going.

We may not be the best house guests, if this were to be true.

Chipotle

Me: I can't go to Chipotle if mom cooked for us. It'll hurt her feelings.
Jared: you're not the woman I married. I don't even know you anymore. We're getting a divorce.

Dirty Dancing

I'm watching the end scene of Dirty Dancing and Jared is singing the "time of my life" song to our dog Sheila and trying to get her to dance. I tried getting it on video but he'd already stopped. I still tried recording and this happened:

Jared: What? You think it's gonna happen again? I only know the first verse.

Me: why do you know the song at all?

Jared: it used to be my ringtone.

Manly.

Jared's BFF

Jared: last night I dreamed we were having sex. Like really really good sex. And Adam called. I ignored it but he kept calling and calling. I finally answered and he said "dude, I know you're having sex right now, but I just wanted to say you're doing a good job."
The sad thing is, this could actually happen. Jared and Adam are like that.

My favorite thing

Me: oh my God, I love cilantro so much
Jared: why don't you marry it?
Me: I will
Jared: I hope you do divorce me to marry cilantro. Id get so much ass that way. It'd be my pick up line.

A wing and a prayer

Me: what are we getting your dad for father's day?
Jared: a wing and a prayer. We'll go to Wing Zone and then get him a copy of "Footprints".

Interesting.

Crap dreams

Jared: I had a dream last night that you needed to poop so badly that you made me leave the house and then check in on Facebook wherever I was to prove I was far enough away from the house and then you pooped and got stuck on the toilet and I had to come rescue you. But then you got mad that it took me so long to get home. That was actually a pretty plausible dream. Like that could happen.  I don't wanna dream stuff that could be real one day. I wanna dream stuff like Sheila becomes Senator or something.

The in thing to do

Our text conversation:
Jared: it started raining and Sheila tried to run under my truck when it started instead of coming inside.
Me: she's losing her street smarts.
Jared: Sheila never had street smarts. Maybe she can take coming in out of the rain back to St. Olaf one day
Me: I love you bc you quoted Golden Girls to me
Jared: it turned you on, didn't it, weirdo? 

Skydiving daredevils

Jared: I had a dream last night that we had sex while skydiving and you got pregnant from it. You named our son Jump but you'd never tell him why...

His name was Reba

Me: I don't even know what Kenny Chesney sounds like.
Jared: he sounds like balls in the back of a man's throat.
Me: how do you know what that sounds like?
Jared: because I've had my balls in the back of a man's throat. Didn't know it was a dude till the skirt came off. Still the best blow job I've ever had.
As I typed this, he pointed out how "ripped" a guy in our neighborhood is. He didn't want me to post this. Can you blame him?

It's not just frowned upon?

Jared: its kind of nice having sex with someone who has my last name without it being frowned upon.

That "other thing"

Me: You don't have to track me down. I just fell asleep. That's why I didn't write back.
Jared: but you've said you don't feel safe in that house. You could've been dead. And one day you will be dead and you're gonna wish I had called.
Me: why? Because I'll be able to answer?
Jared: no because I'll be able to get home faster and track the guy down and blow his brains out. Plus the faster I get home, the better chance I'll have of your body still being warm. Then I can do that other thing. "No, officer, she wasn't raped. It would've been consensual. Calm down, Stabler."

Much like Vera...

Sorry for the long time between posts, loyal readers. My husband works the graveyard shift and we are completely opposite schedules. Most of the conversations we have now are about the dog and bills and such, so not really a lot of entertaining stuff. But he did text me this gem, when trying to make plans about what we'll do tonight since he'll be getting off work early (though the time is TBD).

Jared: Unless I'm gonna get out of here in 30 minutes, the movie aint gonna happen, much like your Vera Bradley luggage.

Is it bad that I still dream about the luggage?

Sorry yall. This is all I've got for now. Clearly not our best.

Our future child

Jared: if its a boy, all of its clothes are taken care of bc of our nephews. If its a girl....dyke. just like her daddy, she'll eat at the pink taco stand. The alphabet bitch only caters to a very specific clientele.

More about beatings

Jared: if I were an abusive husband, id beat Sheila to show you what could happen to you. Oh, Mehgan  burned dinner again? Time to cut off Sheila's tail. Oh wait, for her to be able to burn dinner, she has to cook. (From the other room now:) do I have to come to the other room to see the dirty look you're giving me?

Yes. Yes he had to.

Getting off

Me, intending to ask jared about what time he left work tonight: how'd you get off?
Jared: well sometimes I just use my finger.....

I'll let you guys figure that one out.

Damn you, Helen

We're watching the movie "Troy" and Orlando Bloom says "till the day they burn my body, I will love you" or something. Jared decided to add his own script to that conversation.

Jared: till the day they burn my body, I'll love you. But just till I get one burn. If I even so much get a burn from taking a falafel out of the oven, you're gone, bitch.

Then, later:
Jared: lets name our son Agamemnon Priam. "I may be 10 but I'm old and crotchety"

Between our crotchedy son Agamemnon and our whore daughter Amelia Bedelia, we'll prove to be great parents.

nicolas cage

jared: do you want to watch "national treasure"?
me: no i cant watch anything with nicolas cage in it. i cant look at his botox
jared: he didnt get botox. his mom just fucked gumby.

Strip Clubs

Jared: That's the nastiest strip club in Pensacola. You have to have a bullet wound and a C-section scar to work there. Not one or the other. Both. I went there once and you could see coke lines on the dancers' faces. It looked like they had been eating powdered donuts with their noses.

amelia bedelia cash

in talking about our future hypothetical children's names:

jared: we'll name her amelia bedelia cash. so she'll be ABC and in college, she'll be strung out on drugs and resort to prostitution and her pimp will call her The Alphabet Ho and that's how she'll pay for college
me:we're not gonna pay for her college?
jared: no we will but she's gonna use it all for drugs

im glad he has such high hopes for our future possible daughter

out of town...

...and i miss my husband

a cameo

my husband hasnt said anything funny lately (we cant get famous off of silence!)but here's a gem from his friend jason, while we were talking about crazy policies of a religious college in town.

me: girls cant even ride in elevators with boys
jason: aerosmith ruined that for everyone

nose bleeds

me: ive been getting random nose bleeds lately.
jared: yea but the kitchen's clean

Bedazzled.

Me: There's an LGBT safe house somewhere around this neighborhood
Jared: Why do they need a safe house? I thought that's what discos were for
Me: No one calls them discos anymore. That wasn't a good one.
Jared: Ok, give me a minute.
(a minute later)
Jared: Why do they need safe houses? I thought that's what Pottery Barns are for.
Me: No, that just makes me think of the episode of Friends where Rachel is obsessed with Pottery Barn. Try again.
Jared: Ok, hold on.
(a minute later)
Jared: Why do they need safe houses? I thought that's what Bedazzlers were for
Me: Ok, I'll give you that one.

It's not a safe house, but he tried.

magic dicks

jared, reading from failbook: "the way to make women happy is to have a dick made out of chocolate and that ejaculates money"
me: thats not really me
jared: no, with you id have to have a dick made from a Chipotle burrito and that ejaculates free spay and neuter coupons


at least he knows me well.

gulli-calf

Jared: you're the most gullible person i know. 'Mehgan, of course my dick is 10 inches. you've just been using the wrong rulers. you have to stop buying your measuring tools at Dollar Tree.' It's almost like I had to marry you so that no one else would take your innocence away.
Me: I haven't had innocence since I was 14.
Jared: Ok, fine. Your idiocy.

The Burden of the Wedding Ring

We got married today (well, yesterday...it's technically "the day after" but I'm still up reliving the moment!). Jared is still getting used to his wedding ring, which of course is worn on his left hand. He's a lefty, remember?  Well, he was analyzing his "activities" with his ring today, including tapping it on his beer bottle as a sign of applause, punching bitches, opening beer bottles, lifting the boxes at work, and, well...you'll see.

Jared: You know the only thing I think I won't like with this ring? Jerking off. It's gonna get in the way. It's gonna feel weird with a ring touching my dick.

My response?
Me: Go get me the computer so I can update the blog, please.

I'm a lucky bride.

dead souls

jared: if we ever have a kid, lets never let him be "the fat kid" or "the smelly kid". i just saw a woman who had 3 boys that were both and she looked like her soul was dead.

Icees

Jared: You fucked up my Icee! You don't stir Icees. You tap them down. Fucking amateur.

cake

jared: hell hath no fury like mehgan when you get between her and cake.

dick.

people watching

jared: wow check out that chick. she should not be wearing that
me: which girl? the one in the front or the one in the back?
jared: yes.

How big is your god?

Me: I saw a church sign today that said "How big is your God?" and I sent it to Wes. He wrote back "My god isn't too big, but he has girth"
Jared: Does Wes worship me?

Dirty shirts

Me: Look how dirty my shirt is.
Jared: Look how un-used my dick is!

Had that one coming, I guess!

Work bonuses are actually a bonus

Another oldie that I came across.

This was actually a text conversation we had, but we basically sent the first two texts at the same time (we're such soul mates like that). And I had just taken a pregnancy test. Because, well, sometimes I worry.

Me: I'm not pregnant
Jared: I'm getting a bonus on my next check.
Jared: And now I don't have to spend it on an abortion!

Barry White (RIP)

Look at that chest hair encased in that moob! Rawr!

Me, just after singing along terribly: Oh Barry White! Rest in peace.
Jared: You killed him. He knew you were gonna sing his song one day and it killed him.

Extreme hotness.

This is an oldie but a goodie. Most of the time that Jared talks in his sleep, his eyes are open and he appears as though he's awake because he's talking quite well and, well, he's looking dead at me. So sometimes i don't realize that he's actually talking in his sleep. 

Jared, opening his eyes at my entrance to the bedroom: I'm trying to figure out who you are
Me: who else would it be?
Jared: 15 hotties
Me: anyone in particular?
Jared: 15 lookalikes
.Me: what would you do if there were 15 people who looked like me?
Jared: I'd do them
Me: where would you start?
Jared: I'd do them alphabetically starting in the middle. I'd start with the N's and would work my way back to the A's.

 Well at least I know he wants me and only me! 

 Also shown by this sleep-talking conversation:

Jared: go away. You're too hot.
Me: hot?
Jared: hot as in sexy. Too sexy. I might attack you. Too sexy.
Me: how am I too sexy?
Jared: standing by that red bull display. Too sexy. Sexy. 

 Redbull not only gives people wings, but it also gives them extreme sexiness.

What Jared really thinks about me

Jared: there are too many dirt bikes in this store
me: one can never have enough dirt bikes.
Jared: who asked you?
me: how many are there?
Jared: like 12.                                                                                                                                             Me: I need one. Mine are broken
Jared: that's bc you're a goddamn moe-ron
Me: I think I'm quite smart
Jared: nobody asked you
me: so can I borrow one?
Jared: no
me: why not?
Jared: bc you're a goddamn moe-ron

 And then he put his hand on my boob and left it there.

Strippers and ones

I gave Jared a wad of cash tonight, most of it in one-dollar bills. I was able to bring up the fact that he's dated a stripper before. i try to throw that in his face when I can. He found a way to get back at me.

Jared:  Now I know where I'm going with all of these ones.
Me: Yeah, i felt like your ex-girlfriend when I realized how many I had.
Jared:  Yeah and in two years, you'll feel like my ex-wife.

I'll be his first wife. This one backfired on me.

Veterinary medicine

Me: Sheila is coughing a lot today. I don't know if it's kennel cough or if she has something stuck in her throat.
Jared: It may have been that string she was chewing on. Give her a big scoop of peanut butter and if it is something stuck in her throat, the peanut butter will catch it and she'll swallow it. Then give her some milk so it will dissolve.
Me: Ok, I'll try it.
Jared: I'm like the MacGuyver of veterinary medicine.

blow job politics

jared: you know, im still very pro blow job.
me: and im still very anti blow job.
jared: i thought you were more middle of the road?
me: blow jobs arent politics.
jared: it is if you want to be re-elected as wife.

Artistic Ability.

In planning for our wedding, I somehow thought it a good idea to DIY (or "do it yourself" for non-message-board-fanatics) a bunch of things. I've also decided to do little projects that are ridiculously easy (or so they look). But I've found that I have no artistic ability whatsoever. I turned to Jared for support, and ever the encouraging husband (to be), he had a suggestion for me.

Me: I've always thought that every person in the world had even a little artistic ability, some sort of little talent. But I've found that I have none whatsoever.
Jared: Maybe you can fart music.
Me: I've never considered it.
Jared: Maybe you can fart pitch-perfect showtunes.
Me: I've never tried it.
Jared: Maybe you should look into it.

Pending. Or not. Girls don't fart.

Sheila

That's her typical destruction in the background

Our dog Sheila is special, and not the kind you brag about to your friends. Jared seems to think there's something mentally wrong with her, which I don't disagree with. In fact, this is what he has to say about it:

"I'm not saying Sheila is bipolar, but if she had poles, there'd be two of them."

Car homo

While discussing cars:

Jared: I'd love for you to get a Caliber. A white one, like my Dakota
Me: I don't like Calibers though
Jared: Yeah, but Calibers are the car versions of the Dakotas. We could have them side by side in the yard and we woudl love them.
Me: ....
Jared: I'm gay for cars

She's catchy like an STD

 

Jared, in response to me changing the radio station: Hey I like that song!
Me: ugh I hate Pink.
Jared: no that was Ke$ha! Put it back!

Bras

Today, I decided to go bra shopping, despite it still being freezing out (40 degrees? Come on, Florida!) and my being sick (to the point where I was crying this morning for no reason at all other than the fact that my throat hurt). But to get out of the house, we decided to run some errands. Bra shopping it was!

On the escalator up, Jared was trying to come up with "modern" names for bras.

My favorite? The Nipple Concealing Device 47 (where the 47 comes from, I don't know. He didn't either, when I asked).

But here's a conversation he had with himself, acting out the part of the bra-selling lady and himself:
Jared (as Jared): Excuse me, maam, do you have the NCD47?
Jared (as Sales Lady): The what?
JaJ: The Nipple Concealing Device 47. Come on, woman, we don't have all day.
JaSL: I'm sorry, sir, I don't know what you're talking about.
JaJ: Fine, let me talk to your supervisor.
JaSL: Ok, she'll be right out.
JaJ: No, I said supervisor. That would be a man. Women aren't superior!
Jared, as a sidenote, as "sales lady" walks away: I'm changing the modern vernacular of brassiers. I just jumped bras up a hundred years!

I'm proud to say I bought a black and red NCD47 for $6. Without the help of a scared saleslady.

Dominated.

Our dog Sheila is nuts. We have to deal with her craziness on a daily basis. Jared, in an effort to "dominate" her today, held her down with his right arm (he's left-handed) and said this:

Jared: That's right. Dominated. With one arm. And it's not even my strong arm! I jerk off with my left hand! HAHAHAHA (<--that woudl be an evil laugh).

Then, later on, while talking to Sheila:
Jared: I've had shits with bigger IQs than you, Sheila. Recently.

As I type this, he's in the bedroom calling for her, and saying "Hey dummy!" to see if she'll answer.

Oh, my family. This is my family.

Loud farts

Jared is a sleep talker. And he is very vocal when he gets started. I like to engage him, mostly to see what sorts of gems will come about. This was a couple months ago but I just stumbled upon it on his Facebook wall, where I usually post them so he and the rest of his friends list will know what I get to live with. So enjoy this one.

Jared: I gotta check the ticket stubs.
Me: for what?
Jared: Woodstock.
Me: are we going to Woodstock?
Jared: yes.
.Me: who's playing?
Jared: Steve carrell.
Me: he plays music now?
Jared: yes.
Me: do you like his music?
Jared: baby I'm just fucking with you.
Me: why?
Jared: (loud fart). That's why.

a rhyming game

me: I'd really like to get some Vera Bradley luggage for the honeymoon.
Jared: You know the answer to that, and it rhymes with "smotmonnamappen"

Base coat.

Jared, to me:  You, you've got the brains, and you've got an ok base coat, but we'll get a little work done on you. It'll all buff out.

This is after a discussion of what we'll do if we win the lottery.

Dressing.

Jared: Next to "un", ranch is my favorite dressing.

Grammar and ice cream

Jared, scooping ice cream: I like this ice cream. It scoops easy.
Me: Easily.
Jared: I like this ice cream. It doesn't correct my grammar.

Really, I had this one coming.

Olivia Benson turns a grown man into a prepubescent perv

Jared, pausing Law and Order SVU on Mariska Hargitay's credit: Whoa! She has a low-cut shirt on here!
Me: Did you really just pause to check out Olivia Benson's cleavage? How old are you?
Jared: I am horny-six years old.

Egos

Yesterday we went to do some measurements at our wedding venue. It has a long walkway up to the pavillion. Armed with a tape measurer, Jared says, "Hold on, I have to measure this walkway to make sure that your dad's ego will fit through."

God I can't wait to marry this man.

Because he can

Don't you just love being a childfree adult? I do.

Jared: "My name is Jared. I'm 26 years old. And I'm having a dinner of mini-corn dogs and tater tots and orange soda. Because I can. Because I'm a fucking adult.  And they're going to be fucking delicious."

I'll never get the smell of tater tots out of my house.

motherly.

jared: youre not very motherly. but i can see myself in about ten years waking up with you standing over me with a penis pump and saying "im making a baby!"

apparently thats all takes to create a new life. a penis pump and a little persuasion.

End of the world movies

One time i made the mistake of telling Jared that I had a couple of "firsts" during two movies...Independence Day and Mars Attacks. No, I didn't lose my virginity in movie theaters. God. I don't really know how to write this blog post without sounding so slutty. (To which Jared just said "You should go back in time to tell Past Mehgan not to be so slutty. But you weren't slutty. You just weren't picky). Ok, anyway, I had boyfriends and I started too young, ok? Ok.

Jared makes jokes about end-of-the-world movies with me all the time. "Hey, can we watch Armageddon? I feel the need for a release." Jerk. I told him he's not allowed to make those jokes for 6 weeks because I was tired of the frequency of them. So he complied.

He's sitting here watching movie trailers and he saw an EOTW movie. He said "Oh, an end of hte world movie! Wait, no, I can't make the joke. Nevermind. Maybe I should write it down. 'Dear Mehgan, open in six weeks.' I'll just put it in my death folder so that when I die, you can have copies of all the jokes I wanted to make about end of the world movies while I was alive but couldn't.'"

IM SO LUCKY.

My nickname

People often wonder why Jared calls me "Big Pig." The truth is, I LOVE that nickname and it makes my heart glad whenever he calls me that. Mostly b/c it's the first time he really expressed that he loved me, and he didn't even realize he did it.

What do I mean? Read on.

One night, after we'd been dating just a couple months, he was sleeping at my house. He sleep talks quite often, but I didn't know that yet. Well, I was up late one night reading, and he rolled over, slapped my ass as hard as he could, and then this happened:

Jared: I love you, big pig.
Me: what?
Jared: I love you, big big.
Me: are you even awake?
Jared: yea! See? *loud fart*

I was immediately appalled and thought "Does he really think I'm a fat ass?" And then my brain went to "Wow, he loves me???" I asked him about it the next day and he doesn't, and still doesn't to this day, remember. But the nickname stuck and I love it so much.

It may seem like he's verbally abusive, just from what I've posted about him so far, but honestly, he's so ri-fricken-diculously in love with me that it's crazy sometimes. So yeah, he's not mean. Just goofy. And I don't mind. :)

Love handles.

Jared, spooning me: I love your love handles. That's why they're called "love handles". Because I love handling them.

I don't know where the influx of fat jokes he's made lately have come from, but I finally told him to stop. They may make good blog entries and funny stories, but they make him look bad.